An Abysmal Rant: Backlash 2003
Smackdown Tag Titles, Team Angle vs. Los Guerreros: They were still Team Angle at this point. TA brings the picture of Kurt with the medals on it to the ring. It survives the match, though, and doesn't get broken until weeks later. Mat work by Eddie and Haas to start, small package by Eddie for two. Chavo and Benjamin tag in, and continue the mat work as Chavo goes to work on the arm. We get some cheating, as Chavo chokes with the tag rope. Eddie works him over on the outside. He tags in and does his slingshot senton thing. Benjamin tags out to Haas, and Eddie becomes face in peril. They work on him for a while with a bunch of restholds and such before the hot tag to Chavo, who cleans house. Benjamin with a nice powerbomb on Chavo, but Eddie comes in with a missile dropkick and does the rolling suplexes on Haas. Chavo dropkicks and Eddie gets a frogsplash, but is sent out of the ring. Chavo tries to suplex Haas, but Benjamin trips him and holds onto the leg, and that's all she wrote. Los Guerreros attack after the match and steal the belts. Good opener.
Test doesn't take no as an answer from Torrie.
Sean O'Haire vs. Rikishi: So here we have a feud based on something that happened twenty years ago, which anyone watching today either forgot about or never heard of, and could care less either way. Guess where that leaves us? A PPV filler match that nobody cares about. Piper introduces O'Haire, who gets zero reaction and has some really lame music. O'Haire hits the stairs and Riksihi opens up on him with some clotheslines and a samoan drop. Piper distracts Rikishi and O'Haire super kicks him. Piper with some incredibly weak punches. O'Haire with some CLOTHESLINES, BAH GAWD! O'Haire puts on the resthold and the crowd starts to boo. Cole blames it on Piper's antics, while in reality, they were pissed at security confiscating a beach ball. They dodge each other's kicks and Rikishi ass smashes him to set up the Stinkface. But we're SWERVED as O'Haire escapes. Piper jumps on the apron with a coconut and gets halfway into the ring, but gets back out again, seeming a little confused. They kick each other at the same time and both are out. Piper climbs all the way in with the coconut, but Rikishi nails him with it. O'Haire nails the Cruel Intentions/Prophecy/Widow maker/Whatever the fuck it's called now to end the pain. MAN, this was bad. If I did star ratings, this would be in the negatives. People actually had the balls to say O'Haire looked good here. The watered down brawling WWE style forced on him totally ruined whatever skill he had in the ring beforehand.
Sable tells Stacy that Torrie was hitting on Test. Stacy is mad. Yep.
Raw Tag Titles, Kane and RVD vs. The Dudley Boyz. Chief Morley is the ref. You know, I thought they had something with the Chief Morley character, but of course, they had to go back to the stale Val Venis gimmick. RVD and Bubba start, with Bubba controlling most of the way. D-Von comes in, then Kane. Kane works the arm and no sells. An irish whip reversal is screwed up and ends with a big boot by Kane. Kane is face in peril for a very brief time, a spinebuster on Bubba allows RVD to tag in. RVD becomes face in peril for real, and the Dudleyz really work that chinlock. Hot tag to Kane, clotheslines abound. RVD back in with a missile dropkick, Rolling Thunder on Bubba. Neckbreaker off the top by D-Von on RVD, Kane counters that with his flying clothesline. Morley low blows Kane. It only gets two. So Morley throws him out and charges at RVD, but hits Bubba instead. D-Von goes after Morley, Storm runs in and gets sent packing. Morley attacks Bubba, but gets the 3D. The FIVE SHTAR, BAH GAWD THE FIVE SHTAR finishes it for the champs. An overbooked fiasco that was quite boring before all the shenanigans.
Stacy finds Torrie in the women's locker room and we have a cat fight.
Women's Title, Trish Stratus vs. Jazz: I'm not even going to bother recapping it. A pretty decent women's match. Trish had the match won with the Stratusfaction, but Teddy threw his shoe at her to break up the pin. Yes, he threw his shoe. Jazz sits down on a sunset flip and holds the rope to get the title.
Rey Mysterio vs. Big Show: Show was once again the cruiserweight squashin' "big bully" that A-Train has also been off and on for the last year or so. Pretty much a complete and total squash. Show no-sold THREE 619's and chokeslammed Rey after he came off the top for the win. Rey gets put on a stretcher for some reason, and Show swings the backboard, with Rey still attached, into the ringpost. He then carelessly drops Rey, who falls on his face, unable to protect himself because he was strapped down. Total garbage. If you're going to do a squash, use Smackdown. Don't waste PPV time with shit while talented workers are left off the show. Show's total disregard for Rey's safety was equally sickening.
Stacy ends up getting knocked out backstage, and Steiner comes to the rescue. What a gentleman.
Smackdown Title, Brock Lesnar vs. John Cena: Cena does a pretty lame rap before the match. Don't think he was quite ready for a title shot yet. It was also incredibly obvious who was winning the match, too, no matter how much the announcers put over Cena as a contender. Brock destroys him to start off with some pretty nice offense. Cena heads outside and turns the tide by throwing Brock into the stairs. Cena chokes and uses the elbow. Brock hits the post outside. Cena puts on the chinlock, and the crowd is less than thrilled at this point. DDT and clothesline both get two for Cena, and we go back to the chinlock. Yawn. Brock comes back. Cena low blows him and gets the Throwback for two. Cena goes for the chain, the ref takes it away, and the F5 finishes it. BOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRIIIIIIIINNNNNGGGG. Really, really slow paced, with Cena basically slugging away and doing restholds for most of the match.
Triple H, Ric Flair, and Chris Jericho vs. Kevin Nash, Booker T, and Shawn Michaels: Nash gets absolutely no reaction to his entrance. Hilarious. Nash and Trips start out, but decide to tag out to Jericho and HBK instead. Good idea, let the people who can actually work into the match. A few reversal sequences out of them ends up with HBK escaping the walls and brining in Big Lazy. He dumps Jericho and shouts at HHH, but Jericho jumps him from behind. Big boot (move #1). Booker tags in. Booker resists being made face in peril for a while with sidekicks and a flapjack. Flair and Jericho try to beat him down, but Booker still fights out of it until Trips hits the spinebuster. HBK tags in. He goes after Flair. SCM on Flair, but HHH Pedigrees HBK. Jericho comes in for a two count, and the heels keep switching off. Flair tries a figure four, to no avail. Jericho comes in. Chinlockery ensues. Shawn escapes but gets clotheslined. HHH works on the leg, as does Flair. Dueling chops and an enziguiri by HBK. "Hot tag" to Nash is met with total silence. He's on fire. Snake Eyes (move #2) on Triple H, and you can hear him calling "sideslam." Guess what Nash does next? Sideslam (move #3) baby, sideslam! Jericho tries to stop the locomotive that is Nash, but the awesome power of the sideslam takes him out. Nash escapes the Pedigree and goes for the Lazy Bomb, but Jericho missile dropkicks him, and Nash actually bumps. Booker is in, axe kick on Jericho, super kick on Flair, spin-a-roonie. Booker and Jericho head out. Nash and HHH brawl in the aisle. HBK goes for another SCM on Flair, but Jericho bulldogs him and Flair locks on the figure four. Nash takes apart the table, but goes into the ring to fight Flair and Jericho. Ref bump. Lazy Bomb on Jericho. HHH whips out the hammer and "hits" Nash with it, and gets the pin. All over the place, but it was OK before Nash came in.
Goldberg vs. The Rock: By this time, the aweseomeness that is heel Rock was starting to wear off, as he had NOTHING to work with in this feud. Goldberg's music goes from badass to WWE-ized. A lot of stalling. I hate that shit, RVD used to do it all the time in ECW. GET ON WITH IT. Goldberg tosses Rock out of a lockup, brother. Rock hangs out on the outside. He clotheslines Goldberg, and the crowd seems positive about that. Rock fires punches, but Goldberg steals the Rock Bottom. Rock oversells it and Goldberg misses a spear. Crapshooter on Goldberg, who's in the move quite a while, but gets to the ropes. Goldberg spears him. Powerslam. No-selling. Rock gets a spinebuster and kips up. Rock Bottom, only for two. Goldberg clotheslines him out of a spitting punch attempt. People's Elbow actually connects for two. Spear. ANOTHER spear, and a Jackhammer finally finishes. Crowd turned on Goldberg here, and did it again at Bad Blood. Goldberg was completely worthless here, only doing like 3 moves the whole time. Bad main event to end a bad PPV.
The Verdict: 4.0. The opener was good. Parts of the six man were alright. Every else was either really bad, incredibly boring, or both.
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