An Abysmal Rant: Bad Blood 2003
The Dudley Boyz vs. Rodney Mack and Chris Nowinski: This match is too early in the card to earn the piss break status given to it beforehand. D-Von plays face in peril. Bubba gets the hot tag after some "exciting and fast paced" offense. Bubba asks D-Von to get the tables, but he remembers what Teddy said to him on Heat. Mack uses Nowinski's mask and that gets them the win. What was this Raw match doing on a PPV? Why is Nowinski's plastic mask, painted a metallic color, such a lethal weapon? And the Dudleyz have to be the most stale team in WWE right now, even beating out the APA.
First competition in the Redneck Triathlon. I thank god for fast forward. Austin wins.
Test vs. Scott Steiner: Winner gets Stacy here. Surprised this wasn't "Stacy on a pole" so the camera could do a bunch of smutty upskirts of Stacy. Not that it's a bad thing. Test menaces Stacy, and Steiner attempts to dive off the apron onto him, only he slips and barely grazes Test's ankle in a hilariously bad blown spot. Steiner beats him down for a while. Steiner goes into the steps, no "OWWWWWWWWW!!!" this time. A "you suck" chant which is assumed to be directed at Test, but it could be for the both of them. Test actually has some charisma, mocking Steiner's push ups and constantly shouting at Stacy. Steiner makes a comeback with an UGLY overhead belly to belly. 10 punches, but Test gets a full nelson slam for two. Steiner escapes the pump handle and big boot with a reverse DDT for two. MAH GAWD, KAYNG! THAT WAS STEINER'S FINISHER FOR THREE WEEKS! AND TEST KICKED OUT! WHAT A HOSS! Pumhandle slam for two. He goes after Stacy, gets slapped, and big boots Steiner for two. Goes for the chair, hits himself with it, and Steiner gets the Flatliner for the win. This was pretty bad, but then again, it's Steiner, what do you expect. Test winning would have been much more interesting.
Intercontinental Title, Christian vs. Booker T: Booker controls at first, but hits the stairs, and Christian locks in the resthold, a key part of his offense. Booker goes back to offense with a flapjack, then a sideslam gets two. Get used to seeing those, Nash is in the main event. Sidekick for two. Unprettier shockingly does not connect. Christian steals the Book End. Booker is on fire again, Spinaroonie, and it looks like Booker is going to win... but wait! Christian decides to call it a night. The ref forces him to get back in or he loses the belt. So he just hits Booker with it and gets DQ'd. Holy lame, never ending feud, Batman! Pretty much the same match you've seen them work several times before and after this one, and it really wasn't all that great the other half dozen or so times they've done it.
Second competition in the Triathlon is pie eating. Mae and Moolah show up to the surprise of no one, and it's time to fast forward again. Bischoff wins. Really, who actually finds those two ancient artifacts to be the least bit amusing? Didn't the joke stop being funny four years ago?
Tag Team Titles, RVD and Kane vs. La Resistance: This is about a month before Kane's unmasking. RVD quickly becomes face in peril. Dupree works him over for a while, but hot tag to Kane. CLOTHESLINE! BAH GAWD, CLOTHESLINE! He uses a sideslam too. The match is starting to get ugly now. RVD accidentally nails Kane with a dive to the outside, and he falls victim to the Evil French Flapjack of Devastation. This was pretty bad too, and the crowd could care less about it.
Special Foregone Conclusion Match, Goldberg vs. Chris Jericho: Goldberg no-sells and tosses Jericho around. Jericho dodges a spear and Goldberg crashes through the guard rail. He's actually selling the shoulder! Jericho goes to work on it. Goldberg shoulder blocks using the uninjured shoulder. Good job! Jericho goes after the arm again, and a bulldog and Lionsault only get two. He goes for another one, and Goldberg kinda catches him and slams him down. Spear, but it's with the bad shoulder, and it's not quite as powerful. Jericho escapes a Jackhammer, Goldberg quickly gets out of the Walls. Spear with the good shoulder, Jackhammer, goodnight. Goldberg argues with Tigger at ringside afterwards. The crowd sorta turned on him here, too, with a portion of it booing him. When the best match of the night so far involves Goldberg, there's something seriously wrong. Jericho carried it, but Goldberg did a pretty good job of selling, too.
Ric Flair vs. Shawn Michaels: Brawling at first, with dueling Whoos. A little bit of mat work, then back to some brawling. Shawn to the outside with a pescado. More chopping. Flair goes after the leg. Figure four, Shawn gets out. Flair goes back to work. Shawn fights back. Flair goes up top, and gets slammed off. Shocking. SCM is turned into a figure four attempt which becomes a small package. Shawn does his own figure four. Flair breaks out, then a LAME ref bump. Flair heads up again, and again fails to connect. Now a table comes into play. Splash by Shawn sends Flair through, and Shawn fights off Orton. Flair's low blow takes down Shawn and the ref. SCM is attempted again, Orton uses a chair, and that gets the win. This could have been better if they had more time, but let's face it: Flair is nowhere near what he used to be. I really don't see how people can say that he can "work a better match than 90% of the roster" and such. Michaels has also lost some steps. So really, about as good as two broken down old men past their primes can do in 15 minutes.
The third competitionÉ fuck it. Austin wins. I don't care. And neither should you. To think that all of the midcard matches had to be cut down to make room for this complete waste of time and money... that's WWE for you. Fuck the wrestling, the fans want to see Eric Bischoff getting a bronco buster from an octogenarian.
Hell in a Cell, World Championship, Triple H vs. Kevin Nash: I can't believe how many people predicted a Nash win here. Foley is the special guest ref. Brawling, and Nash starts to introduce him to the cage. Nash totally dominates, hitting his favorite move, the sideslam, and beating up on Triple H on the outside. Nash throws the 300 lb. stairs at HHH, who dodges them. BAH GAWD, THAT WOULDAH KILLED HIM!
HHH fights back and uses a hammer (not of the sledge variety, though) to the knee. Foley takes the hammer away, which is completely ridiculous because this match is no DQ, and HHH can use whatever weapons he wants. Nash does a wussy bladejob. HHH uses a screwdriver, although in reality it didn't even come close to Nash's forehead. Barbed wire 2 x 4, but Nash steals it and uses it, and a Snake Eyes onto the barbed wire. Triple H does a much better bladejob. He escapes the lumbering, angry Nash and hits him with a wooden crate. LOOK AT THE CARNAGE, KAYNG! THIS IS THE MOST BRUTAL MATCH EVAR! HHH whips it out (the sledgehammer, that is), but Foley grabs it again. Again, why? So HHH uses the stairs instead, but Nash drop toe holds him. NASH USED A WRESTLING MOVE, BAH GAWD! This is the greatest night in the history of our sport!
HHH hits Nash and Foley with a chair, but Foley uses Socko. He also bleeds. By this time, Nash has pretty much stopped bleeding, so it's silly hearing JR go on about how much blood he's lost. HHH escapes, but Nash uses the stairs, bumping Foley in the process. He gets bumped again, into the cage this time. Lazy Bomb only gets two, on a quick count. Sledgehamer, Pedigree, and that's it. A pretty weak HIAC, but not the worst ever. The cage hardly came into play, and Foley really didn't factor into it much, either. I'm almost ashamed to say that I actually like the fact that Triple H retained, because (to recycle an old joke of mine) Nash as Raw world champion would have been a train wreck, and A-Train isn't even on Raw.
The Verdict: 4.5 A bad first PPV for Raw. You had the mediocre, the bad, and the ugly here. Vengeance, the first ever SD only PPV, totally destroyed it, even with two McMahon matches on the card.
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