An Abysmal Rant: WWF Hardcore
A warning, this bastard is LONG, as there are a lot of matches on this DVD.
Tazz is the host. First up: What is Hardcore? A bunch of people give their definitions. When Jeff Hardy hears the word "hardcore," he thinks of his dad. And really, who doesn't? Hardcore Holly says it's about being himself. Hardcore must be about being a bitter asshole, then. Howard Finkel throws his two cents in. Tazz questions why Finkel was in the segment. There are plenty more filler segments, but I'll just ignore them.
Mankind vs. Ken Shamrock (Raw11/9/98 ): Mankind comes out clean shaven and wearing a tuxedo, having received a Corporate Make-over earlier on. Back and forth action. They eventually fight up the stage to wear Vince is watching. A BRUTAL chair shot on Foley, but Boss Man comes over and hits Shamrock with the nightstick, allowing Mankind to get the pin.
Tori vs. Ivory (Raw 9/6/99): We join the segment as the Red Rooster interviews Ivory about her hardcore match later with Tori, only Tori doesn't want to wait, and attacks. Tori gives her a swirly and beans her with some bars of soap, and then a box of tampons. Tori takes her into the men's locker room, where Viscera, Droz, and Prince Albert cheer on Ivory. Those heels. Ivory smashes a mirror over Tori and gets the win, then burns her with an iron. The only redeeming quality was seeing Tori running around in a thong and wet t-shirt.
Al Snow vs. Hardcore Holly (St. Valentine's Day Massacre 2/14/99): We get clipped immediately to fighting in the crowd. Rubbermaid trash can of mass destruction and crumbling floor tiles get involved. They head outside. Snow uses some barbed wire. They try to use a wheelbarrow, but it falls over, so they move on. They're fighting right up to the Mississippi River. Holly goes into the water, and Snow follows. Holly goes back to his favorite weapon, tree branches. Holly then wraps him up in a fence and pins him to win the title. Snow could have easily kicked out, but who am I to question?
Crash Holly vs. Tazz vs. Hardy Boyz vs. Perry Saturn vs. Hardcore Holly (Backlash 4/30/00): Basically, the match was Crash having his ass handed to him with everyone getting two counts. Some pretty cool spots: Matt Hardy dives off one of the hooks onto everyone. Saturn suplexes Crash onto a hook, breaking it. Jeff uses the hook to swing in for a hurracanrana on Saturn. Holly chokes Crash on the ropes by standing on his back, but Saturn German suplexes Holly off of Crash's back. Everyone ends up knocked out, Crash manages to drape an arm over Tazz to retain. It was actually fun to watch Crash get totally destroyed, yet somehow win the match.
Several clips of 24/7 title defenses by Crash, including against referee Jack Doan.
A bunch of clips of the Acolytes beating the shit out of people.
Shane McMahon vs. Steve Blackman (Summerslam 8/19/00): Blackman beats Shane up for a bit before T & A hit the ring. They destroy Blackman. Blackman eventually fights T & A off, and Shane decides to climb up the Titantron to escape. Blackman follows, with the stick. Shane reaches the top, and Blackman nails him the stick a few times, and Shane FALLS OFF OF THE TITANTRON. The crowd is going nuts as Blackman climbs down a bit, then drops an elbow off of the Titantron, and that finishes it. Well, I certainly hope so.
Tazz wraps it up.
Extras
Bob Holly vs. Bart Gunn (Raw 2/29/99): Since I doubt anyone actually remembers this match, I'll do play by play here. Bart comes out to the Brawl for All music and no Titantron video. Short slugfest is won by Gunn with the left hand. Holly smashes a pitcher of Kool-Aid over Gunn's head. Why the hell was that even on the announce table? Can't Cole just drink water? Holly tells us that we're going to play musical chairs, then hits Gunn in the head with it. He took that one like a man. Again, this one over the back. Gunn takes Cole's glass of Kool-Aid and smashes it over Holly's head. Gunn uses the bell. Holly is clotheslined into the crowd. Gunn goes to use a chair, but Holly cools him off with an extinguisher. He then tosses a tray of ice at him, which was under the ring for some reason. Gunn goes into the steps. Gunn reverses a suplex onto the ramp into one of his own. Cover for two. DDT on the ramp. Holly goes into the stairs and Gunn blasts him with the extinguisher. Body slam by Holly on the ramp. They head up to the stage, and Gunn grabs a watermelon from behind the curtain and breaks it over Holly. Why the fuck is that back there? Gunn breaks a "steel" rod over Holly's back. Holly punches him in the balls and fights back with a crate of bananas that gets stuck on Gunn's head. Holly eats a banana and uses a trash can. Gunn uses the lid and tries to kick the crate away, only it gets stuck on his foot. A bag of flour gets involved next, even covering the referee. Dr. Death, in the "Kabuki" gimmick, makes his appearance and beats down Gunn, then tosses him off the stage. Holly casually walks down and pins him. You could have dropped an elbow off the stage or something, jeez. Entertaining crap.
Test vs. Crash Holly (Smackdown 2/24/00): ZzZzz. Hardcore Holly walks down and swings the chair at Crash, but hits Test instead, and Crash pins him for his first of many title reigns.
Crash Holly vs. Tazz (Smackdown 3/2/00): Backstage immediately, Prince Albert and Boss Man attack, but Tazz gets rid of them. Crash uses a bunch of weapons in rapid succession to retain. Later, Crash is loading up his car when the Posse attacks. They start fighting each other, though, and Crash escapes.
24/7 Title Match, Mean Street Posse vs. Crash (fSmackdown 3/9/00): The Posse plan to ambush Crash in the laundromat. Rodney attacks first, but Crash sees him coming. They start fighting over the pin again. Crash grabs his clothes and runs away.
24/7 Title Match, Mean Street Posse and Albert vs. Crash (Raw 3/13/00): We're in an airport this time, as the Posse jumps Crash at the baggage claim. Albert joins the fray, and Pete Gas actually pins Crash. Crash uses the scale and gets it right back, then runs off.
24/7 Title Match, The Headbangers vs. Crash (Smackdown 3/16/00): This is at Funtime USA. They have a plan: Mosh will draw him out, and bring him downstairs, where Hebner and Thrasher are waiting. Mosh attacks him in the arcade and goes for the pin, but he told Hebner to stay downstairs. Crash goes down the slide, and the cameraman follows. Thrasher nails him with a trash can, but Mosh breaks up the pin. Mosh tries it, then, but that's broken up, and Thrasher suggests that they beat him up more before pinning him. Crash hides in the maze, and they decide to corner him and "get him in the balls." The ball pit, of course. Crash outwits them and escapes.
Crash vs. Hardcore Holly (Raw 3/27/00): We get run-ins right away, as Tazz is in. The Headbangers are next out, then Viscera. Crash tries to run, but the Posse ambush him backstage. He tries to ask Kaientai for help, but TAKA attacks him as Funaki steals a referee shirt, but only gets a two count. Crash hides behind a trash can and waits for everyone to go through the door, then runs back in and locks them out. Next!
Matt Hardy vs. Jeff Hardy (Smackdown 4/27/00): Matt was the champion here. Saturn wanders down, but doesn't attack. Some pretty cool spots in this match. Hardcore Holly walks out next and does nothing. Ladders are out. Tazz walks out now. Jeff gets knocked off a ladder, to the outside, onto Saturn and Tazz. Matt jumps to the outside next, and everyone's fighting. Crash runs out, breaks up a pin, and uses a trash can to get the pin and the title back. Yay.
Crash vs. Gerald Brisco (Smackdown 5/18/00): Brisco spotted Crash sleeping, and plans on pinning him while he's sleeping. The commentary goes to a whisper now. Brisco puts a finger on him and gets the three count, as he silently celebrates. The ref trips over a chair, though, and wakes Crash up. Bricso tries to run, but Crash catches up, and Patterson is out to help. Patterson goes for the Poop Stain Stinkface, and then considers pulling the undies down, but Crash low blows him to save us from the torture. He then hits Patterson in the ass with a broomstick, and runs after Brisco. Patterson probably liked it.
Hardcore Patterson (the actual name of the chapter, Raw 6/19/00): Brisco just regained the title, and Patterson has a party set, with champagne and everything, but he's acting shady. The ref is still there, and he made him lock the door. Patterson makes Brisco tell him that he loves him before pouring champagne over his head, hitting him with the bottle, and pinning him, and then doing a crotch chop. This, of course, would eventually lead to the epic Patterson vs. Brisco hardcore evening gown match.
Steve Blackman vs. Big Boss Man (Raw 9/4/00): They head backstage where Dean Malenko and Crash show up, and Blackman ends up pinning Boss Man after a super kick to retain. Blackman takes Malenko and Crash out for good measure afterwards.
Steve Blackman vs. Edge vs. Christian (Raw 10/2/00): E & C work together, of course. After arguing who should make the pin, They try a Conchairto. Blackman takes them both out. Kick to the chair in front of Christian's face finishes it.
Steve Blackman vs. Tazz (Smackdown 10/19/00): They fight to the back immediately. Funaki and Just Joe arrive, but are dispatched. Northern Lights Suplex is called a "Fisherman's Suplex" by Cole. Low blow and a flying cane shot allow Blackman to retain. Yawn. Next!
Steve Blackman vs. Tiger Ali-Singh (Raw 11/30/00): Total squash. Blackman wins with a flying cane shot, then tries on the turban. Tiger got in a few kicks, and that's all. Next!
Raven vs. The Undertaker (Smackdown 12/14/00): Another squash. Last Ride through the announce table wins it for the Taker. Raven's only offense were a few shots with a wrench that Taker no-sold. Next!
Big Show vs. The Rock vs. Kurt Angle (Raw 2/26/01): Decent triple threat. The run-ins start up as Steve Blackman arrives. Hardcore Holly runs in next. Then Albert, then Saturn. And here comes "The One" Billy Gunn. Everyone gets near falls on Show. They fight up to the stage area. Essa Rios shows up and jumps off the stage onto Show, who calmly catches and slams him. Crash tries the same thing and suffers the same fate. Billy Gunn connects with one of the weakest chair shots ever. Everyone heads to the back except for Saturn, Angle, and Albert, who stay behind to beat up The Rock. Why? Go for the title instead. A clip job, with brawling in the back. Show lifts Rios up and presses him against a wall and pins him like that to retain. The run-ins made it a total mess, as usual.
Raven vs. Kane vs. Big Show (Wrestlemania X7 4/1/01): Raven and Kane fight before Show even makes his entrance, and he takes an eternity to walk all the way down to the ring. Once he makes it, they head to the back, which takes them quite a while due to the huge crowd. Pretty much, the whole match is neither big man selling anything, with Raven bumping all over the place. Raven is thrown through a fence, then a window. Show and Kane crash through a fake wall. Raven steals a golf cart and Show rides along, but he crashes. Kane drives one too, with the ref riding along, and runs Raven over. Raven uses the packing peanuts of doom. We head back out, as Raven and Show both fly off the stage. Kane drops an elbow on Show for the pin and the title. Nothing too great. Don't get why Kane got the belt, either, when Raven would have benefited much more from retaining against all the odds on the biggest stage of them all.
Rhyno vs. Raven (Backlash 4/29/01): Both guys take unprotected shots to the head from trash cans and signs. Raven's shopping cart even gets involved. Rhyno charges for the Gore, but misses, and gets trapped in the cart. Cool spot. Raven goes nuts with the kitchen sink, and goes for the pin, getting a close two count. The crowd totally thought that was it. Suddenly, a Gore out of nowhere allows Rhyno to retain. Pretty good stuff, actually. The crowd was really into it, solidly behind Raven the whole time. Both of them took the weapon shots like a man, and some pretty neat spots involving the cart.
Test vs. Big Show vs. Rhyno (Judgment Day 5/20/01): Test and Rhyno gang up on Show until Test turns on him. Show's boots squeak as he's thrown into the guardrail, which I find hilarious for some reason. We head backstage. Show takes a weak-ass fall onto some pallets as Test and Rhyno head back to the ring. Nothing interesting happens, and the crowd is actually chanting for the Big Show. He eventually lumbers back out. JR questions why people spray each other with the extinguisher, but don't hit each other with it. Rhyno throws a trash can at Show and springs off the stairs to Gore the can and Show to retain. Snoozefest.
Rhyno vs. Big Show (Raw 5/21/01): Last match on the DVD. Rhyno works on the right arm with road signs. A Gore hits chair instead, and Show gets a chokeslam, with the bad arm, onto a trash can for the win and the title. Pretty much a squash, even with Rhyno's attempt at psychology. JR and Heyman worked well together, I'd like to add.
Verdict: It could have been pretty good. Instead of matches from an era where the Hardcore Title was actually pretty entertaining, with champs such as Road Dogg and Al Snow, we get a bunch of boring Steve Blackman matches and Crash Holly 24/7 goofiness. I wouldn't bother.
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