An Abysmal Rant: It's Time!
We go WAAAAAYYYYYY back to December 1996, in a show that's quite obscure to review. But hey, I've got a tape of the fucking thing, might as well. You may be asking yourself, "Why did the title for this PPV include Vader's catchphrase when he wasn't even on the card?" Good question. See, when the PPV was named, it was assumed that Vader would be World Champion, since he was planned to win the belt at Summerslam. Obviously, that didn't happen, as Michaels said no to the job and Sid ending up getting the belt instead. I'm busting out star ratings for the first time in forever here. Just doesn't feel rightÉ
Free For All, Rocky Maivia vs. Salvatore Sincere: Rocky's name combines the first name of his father and the last name of his grandfather! He's a blue chipper! A third generation superstar! Cheer for him! That plan, well, didn't work. He wasn't being booed out of the building yet, just being met with apathy. Sincere was your typical Italian stereotype. The crowd gets bored fast as Rocky and Sal go through some exciting arm wringers and headlocks. Nothing of note happens. Saincere gets in a spurt of offense. Double clothesline, Rock fires away and power slams. Flying Cross Body of Grotesque Disembowelment follows, Sincere rolls through. Rocky tries his Shoulderbreaker of Unending Agony, but Cornette interrupts and Rocky wins by DQ. *. Rocky was still a while away from "getting it."
Leif Cassidy vs. Flash Funk: We open the PPV with this spectacular. Goofy and failed gimmicks aside, it might actually be a good contest. Some pretty good mat wrestling to start off, Funk goes after the arm. Cross body is botched. Cassidy drops Funk on his face, then suplexes him over the top and to the outside, following him out with a somersault plancha. Onto a little bit of resting, a Funk comeback is thwarted. Funk is inducted into the Sky High Hall of Fame before D'Lo was around. Let's cut to the end, as Funk gets a back suplex and Funky Flash Splash (Ridiculous gimmick name for the 450 Splash) for the win. Pretty good stuff out of two grossly misused guys, but the crowd still wasn't budging. ***.
Tag Titles, Owen Hart and British Bulldog vs. New Razor Ramon and Diesel: Yes, the jokes that were the fake Diesel and Razor actually got a title shot. Lots of non-action to start, with Diesel going with Owen and Razor going with Bulldog. Austin comes out. Bulldog gets distracted and Razor takes over. Not for long, as he gets double teamed. Cheatery by the fakers, and they take back over. Diesel (better known as Kane) stays true to Nash by using the sideslam. Razor puts a twist on Hall's signature fall away slam by doing a pumphandle before it. Diesel uses the big boot, just like Nash. And just like Kane, sadly. Bulldog gets the hot tag, strange because they were still heels at this point. Clotheslines everywhere, and pandemonium breaks loose. Bulldog goes for the running power slam, Razor reverses it to the Razor's Edge. Owen heel kicks him and Bulldog gets the pin. Austin runs in and beats up Bulldog. **1/2.
Ahmed Johnson kills time by CUTTING A PROMO. Quite hilarious until Faarooq shows up. Loud, funny words are hollered (bonus points if you know where that's from). Faarooq retreats.
Intercontinental Title: Hunter Hearst Helmsly vs. "Wildman" Marc Mero: Hunter wasn't Triple H yet, and Mero wasn't quite "Marvelous." Mero has Helmsley on the run, andÉ the PPV cuts out. This is the tape from when the PPV aired in 1996, and I remember this happening. What a gyp. It's back on, as Helmsley is working on the back, whatever happened during the dead air is a mystery to me. Helmsley argues with the ref. Mero makes a comeback as the PPV cuts off once again. Back again, Mero tries for the Wild Thing, but Helmsley shoves the ref into the ropes and crotches him. Pedigree is turned into a slingshot. Moonsault, only for two. Ref is bumped, and Helmsley tries to use the belt. Mero rolls him up, no ref, just a two count. They head outside and Goldust shows up to take them both out. Helmsley is counted out, so Mero doesn't win the title. Might have been good, but half the match was gone. Rating it wouldn't be all that fair, since a good portion of the match is missing.
Armageddon Match, The Undertaker vs. The Executioner: Again, you may be asking yourself a question. "The Executioner? Who the fuck is that?" It was Terry Gordy, totally out of it by this point and a shell of his former self. He attacked Taker a month or before this and aligned with Paul Bearer and Mankind. Now, you're asking "Armageddon match? What the fuck is that?" Basically, a death match. After you are pinned, you have ten seconds to answer the bell. If you can't, you lose. Taker beats him down for a bit. Executioner fights back, but Taker no-sells. The brawl outside the ring, but dead guys don't sell, brother. People complain about Taker no-selling today and suggest he goes back to being "TEH DEDMAN TAKER!1!1!," yet no-selling was his gimmick then. Mankind runs out, but is subdued and straight-jacketed. Taker and Executioner brawl through the back and out of the arena. The Executioner rolls down the arena wall and falls into a pool. Taker goes back inside to beat on Mankind for a while. Executioner eventually shows up again, but Undertaker kills him and gets the Tombstone. Executioner can't answer the ten count, giving Taker the win. Pretty bad and pathetic. This was the last appearance of The Executioner, IIRC. DUD. Mankind keeps it above negative.
WWF Title, Sycho Sid vs. Bret Hart: Shawn Michaels is on guest commentary, and throughout the course of the match, his bitter commentary provides some comedy. Amazing how I probably had no idea what he was talking about in 1996, and now I can pick those things up. Bret works over Sid for a while with such amazing offense as eye rakes and headbutts. Sid chases him down outside and tries a powerbomb, but gets shoved into the ringpost. Bret works on the back a bit. Bret removes the turnbuckle pad, but Sid avoids it. Bret still works on the back and gets a few suplexes. He gets slammed off the top. Sid makes a small comeback, but misses a leg drop, and Bret quickly goes for the Sharpshooter. Sid counters. Bret sells the leg, but nothing comes of that. Snake Eyes onto the exposed turnbuckle. Chokeslam only for two. Sid gets in Shawn's face outside. Shawn hops onto the apron, Bret collides with him, and Sid gets the powerbomb for the win. Bret tried to get something out of nothing with Sid. He did a decent enough job. **.
Verdict: 6.5. One of many in the long line of lackluster In Your House PPVs. Pretty decent carry job by Bret in the main event. Mero/Helmsley was gone for the most part, and Taker/Executioner sucked. The opening jobber match was surprisingly OK, and the fake Diesel and Razor actually had a decent match.
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