An Abysmal Rant: Royal Rumble 2002

Tag Team Titles, Tazz and Spike Dudley vs. The Dudley Boyz
Tazz's Cypress Hill theme, which debuted at this PPV, is replaced by his old theme. Tazz gets a double team neckbreaker on the outside. Same thing on Spike on the inside. Spike is wearing a neck brace as a result of taking a 3D on concrete before this. Neckbreaker. Bubba rips the brace off. Another neckbreaker. Suplex, tag to D-Von. Snapmare and Mr. Perfect's flip over neck whip. Another suplex. Bubba tells Tazz he's going to break his partner's neck, but Spike flips out of the suplex and hits the Dudley Dog. Tag to Tazz, but the ref doesn't see it. Huge flapjack on Spike. D-Von misses a flying head butt, and the Dudleyz clothesline each other. Hot tag for real to Tazz, who clotheslines away. Belly to belly. Head and arm suplex. T-Bone suplex. Northern lights suplex with a bridge for two, as Bubba breaks it up. Crossbody by Spike onto Bubba. Big boot by Tazz, and another Dudley Dog. Stacy jumps onto the apron, but misses a slap and Tazz slaps on the Tazzmission. D-Von rushes in to defend her honor, but Stacy gets sent flying. Spike tries a Dudley Dog, but gets tossed to the outside. D-Von misses a charge, Tazz locks on the Tazzmission, and D-Von taps. A hot opener with a surprising ending. Still wasn't that good. *3/4.

Intercontinental Title, Edge vs. William Regal
Nick Patrick checks around ringside for the knucks, and finds a pair in Regal's tights. No Rob Zombie theme for Edge, as the obvious cut to his music and the canned crowd noise gives that away, but you can still sort of hear in the background. JR notes that Regal has had more surgeries on his nose than Michael Jackson. Edge attacks to start it off. Back drop and Edge stomps away. He slams his face into the mat a few times, but Regal comes back with a knee lift. European uppercut reversed to a backslide for two. A weak enziguiri by Edge. Release German suplex by Regal ends with Edge landing on his face. Unintentionally sexually oriented JR comment: "Regal jerked Edge up and downÉ" Regal gets three two counts on that. Double knee to the face for a few two counts. Straight jacket choke by Regal. Edge backdrops out of a Tiger Driver attempt and hooks the arm for a two count. Regal rolls him over with the arms still hooked and hits the Tiger Driver for two. JR alludes to the gay nature of Regal's last cover, and Lawler calls him out on it. Forearm puts Edge on the apron, and another knee lift sends him off. Regal tries a Tiger Driver on the apron, but Edge reverses that into a DDT. Didn't look that good. Edge covers, but his legs are under the ropes, and Regal gets his foot on the rope. Their heads collide and they lay around. Slugfest won by Edge. Heel kick and suplex for two. German suplex folds Edge up onto his neck, but he doesn't sell until he clotheslines Regal, and Edge is the one getting the two count. Edgecution is turned into the Regal Stretch. Edge gets to the ropes as the crowd finally comes to life. Edge tries it himself and fails to hook the legs properly, as Regal gets the ropes. Dropkick into a schoolboy for two. Top rope heel kick. Regal pulls the knucks out as the ref is bumped off of a spear. Regal uses the knucks and gets the pin and the title. Replay clearly shows the knucks as Lawler makes excuses. A gaggle of refs, including Theodore R. Long, playa, check on Edge as Cole shows up. He asks Regal how he could ÒjustiflyÓ (his words, not mine) his actions. Regal tells us he's been blessed with the power of the punch. Really slow.

Women's Title, Trish Stratus vs. Jazz
Jacqueline is the special ref for whatever reason. Trish is selling a "broken hand." Hopefully it won't be Taker at No Mercy 2002 levels of Òselling.Ó Jazz attacks and hits Trish with her cowboy hat. What a jezebel! Trish takes forever to take her jacket off. Jazz with a back drop and big splash for two. Awkward pause leads to Trish fighting back and a bunch of sunset flip reversals. Clothesline and hot shot by Jazz. Lawler won't touch a line about a "stiff forearm." Leg drop for two, brother. Jazz works over the hand in the ropes, and gets in Jacky's face. Jazz counters a school boy into a roll up of her own, but Jacky hesitates and slow counts. Jawbreaker by Trish, but Jazz goes back after the hand. Lawler again won't touch a line about Trish's "throbbing hand." Trish flips out of a back suplex and hits the Stratusfaction, but Jazz flips it over at two for a two count of her own. DDT by Jazz (called a bulldog by Lawler) for two. Thought that was it. Charge hits boot and Trish gets a bulldog to retain. Wasn't expecting Trish to retain, either. Not much.

Earlier tonight, Ric Flair arrives at the arena with his kids. Coach tries to interview him, but Flair just tells us he's going to take McMahon to school.

Street Fight, Ric Flair vs. Vince McMahon
Lawler marvels at Vince's muscles. Vince wins the lockup battle, stealing a page out of Hogan's book. Headlock by Vince. Shoulderblock by Vince, who poses and struts. Lawler's still going on about how ripped Vince is. Flair hammers away in the corner. Vince kicks him and shoulders him in the corner. Nash back elbow. Vince chops and Òwhoos,Ó but Flair shows him how it's done. Eye rake by Vince. Clothesline by Vince. JR finally tells Lawler that he's too excited by Vince's body. Flair flop. More shoulders and a Flair Flip, but he doesn't land on the apron. Flair is really sucking wind. Vince knocks him off the apron. Vince uses the Keep Off Sign of Doom. Vince uses a trash can. Flair does a primo blade job. Vince knees him and introduces him to the post. Flair bounces off the steps. Vince slams him and grabs a camera away from Flair's daughter. After taking a few photos, Vince tosses it back. Back in the ring, Vince drops the elbow on the leg. Vince works on the leg some more. JR works in the Ògovernment mule.Ó Figure four by Vince. That goes on for a while until Flair reverses it. Vince bails as JR also gets in the Òscalded dawg.Ò He grabs his trusty lead pipe, but Flair low blows him to a big pop. Chopping and right hands. Vince gets nailed with one of the Spanish announce table monitors. Vince blades too, and Flair takes him over to his kids for a photo-op. Another low blow. Vince takes a shot from the pipe and taps out to the figure four. I enjoyed it, shoot me.

Coleslaw is backstage, trying to ask Nick Patrick if he reviewed the tape of Regal's win earlier. Patrick has to think about it, for some reason, and Stephanie cuts in. She puts over Triple H and badmouths Debra and Austin sneaks up behind her, then What's her into running away. If only he could have made her run off of TV for good. So now it's Austin's interview, and he does his typical Òrepeat a bunch of crap to get the crowd to say WhatÓ promo.

Undisputed Championship, Chris Jericho vs. The Rock
A sign notes that Y2J loves Òstroodle.Ó Jericho talks smack. The Rock finally replies, but Jericho makes him talk to the hand. He tells him to bring it, and The Rock does. Samoan drop for two. Jericho bails and takes a walk. Rock chases and spears him. Jericho gets a forearm. Jericho slaps him in the corner. Jericho misses a charge and hits the turnbuckle shoulder first. Jericho telegraphs a backdrop and Rock throws him down face first, but charges and Jericho gets a hotshot. Jericho hammers away. He misses a chop and Rock returns fire. Charge by Rock hits elbow, and Jericho gets a spinning heel kick for two. Vertical suplex by Jericho, and the COCKY PIN~! Two count only, as Rock no-sells a potential career ending move. Jericho removes the turnbuckle pad. Jericho goes for the Walls, but Rock throws him off. Clothesline and dropkick by Jericho. Jericho heads up and gets a missile dropkick for two. We hit the chinlock. That goes on for a while, as Rock's arm goes down twice, but not the third time. Rock fights out, but Jericho catches him with a back elbow. Jericho heads up again, and Rock crotches him. Superplex by Rock. They lay around for a bit as a few people try to start a Y2J chant. Rock punches and gets his no hands belly to belly suplex-like Greco Roman throw for two. Bulldog by Jericho. Two Lionsaults, and it only gets two. Jericho shoves Hebner, who shoves back. Jericho goes to the second rope and goes for a dropkick, but Rock catches him with the Crapshooter. Lance Storm charges the ring and distracts Hebner as Jericho taps out. Rock nails Storm. Christian jumps in the ring and misses a belt shot. Spit punch sends Christian over the top and out. Jericho Bottom gets two. Senton by Jericho. He goes for the People's Elbow, but Rock kips up and dumps him. Rock gets slammed onto the Spanish announce table. Jericho goes for a Rock Bottom through the table, but Rock elbows out. He Rock Bottoms Jericho through the English announce table, from the Spanish announce table. Back in, it gets two. Rock discovers Jericho's elbow pad lying in the ring and goes for the Rock Bottom. Jericho fights out and gets the Walls of Jericho. Rock makes it to the ropes. Jericho tries it again, Rock gets a small package for two. Ref gets bumped. Jericho nails him with the WWF Title belt. Jericho calls out another ref, who only counts two. DDT by The Rock. Nick Patrick doesn't count. Rock Bottom on Patrick. Spinebuster on Jericho. People's Elbow. Still no ref. Low blow by Jericho. He rams Rock's head into the exposed turnbuckle, and rolls him up with the feet on the ropes to win. That was about as far from a clean win as you could get. Not great, not bad. Surprised to see Jericho retain, too.

We head to WWF New York to hear from Shawn Michaels, who eventually gets around to picking Undertaker and Steve Austin as the winners of the Royal Rumble.

Royal Rumble
Rikishi is #1. Goldust returns at #2 to a good pop. Goldust gets into a few close calls but hangs in there as Boss Man is #3. He and Goldust double up on Rikishi as Bradshaw is #4 and goes after everyone. Stinkface on Boss Man goes on forever, and he gets superkicked and clotheslined out. Lance Storm is #5. Lance and Goldust blow a stun gun spot. Everyone mills around until Al Snow is back from Tough Enough at #6. Clothesline from Hell on Storm, and Goldust drops an elbow, then gets super kicked. Billy Gunn is #7. Storm and Snow fight on the apron, and Snow kicks him off. Billy eliminates Bradshaw. Undertaker enters to fake music at #8. The bodies start flying now, as everyone is destroyed and dumped. Matt Hardy is next at #9, and holds his own. Jeff Hardy also returns at #10, with the brothers having made up since Matt's failed heel turn. Lawler rightly questions the "randomness" of the draw. They get some offense in, but Taker dumps Jeff, and Matt follows after a Last Ride. Maven is another sacrificial lamb at #11. Taker destroys him and goes to throw him out, but stops to pie-face Lita off of the apron. The Hardyz jump back into the ring to scattered boos, but Taker fights them off. As he's yelling at them, Maven runs up behind him and dropkicks him, sending him out!

Total markout moment there. Taker gets back in the ring and destroys him. Outside, Taker with a VICIOUS unprotected chairshot on Maven, and Taker even shoves the cameraman. Maven bleeds as Teddy Long tells Taker "You're out, man!" The "y'feel me?" was sadly left off. Scotty 2 Hotty dances out at #12, but Taker punches him. Maven goes out over the top rope, eliminating him. They head up through the crowd and Maven gets smashed through a popcorn machine as Christian comes out at #13 and stands around. Scotty is STILL selling the right hand, but eventually rolls into the ring. DDP makes his one and only Rumble appearance as #14. Diamond Cutter on Christian, but a Scotty super kick sends Page through the ropes. Worm on Christian, then DDP tosses Scotty. Chuck Palumbo is next at #15 and the heels beat down DDP. The Godfather returns to a big pop at #16. Seeing him dance with a bunch of skanks is apparently more important than the match, because we completely miss DDP being eliminated until they show a replay. Godfather finally gets in as the Hip Hop Hippo, Albert, makes his entrance at #17, but doesn't last long, as Palumbo and Christian dump him. Godfather follows shortly after. Perry Saturn is next at #18. and fights with the heels. Steve Austin is out at #19, and everyone flies out, then is brought back in, and eliminated again. Val Venis returns at #20, and survives. Test is out at #21, and they try to double team Austin, but both get dumped. Triple H is #22, and he takes forever to get to the ring. Here comes The Hurricane at #23, and it's not looking too good for him. He tries a double chokeslam, but Austin and HHH just dump him and start fighting again. Faarooq is #24, but doesn't last long. The late Mr. Perfect returns at #25 to a nice pop. He goes after both, and even has time to swat the gum as he's being double teamed. Kurt Angle is #26, still with hair. Looks kinda weird with it, actually. Punchy-kicky as Big Show comes out at #27 and destroys everyone. Funny spot as Trips kicks Show, and Perfect hits Trips with a weak-ass kick that HHH doesn't even bother to sell. Kane is out next at #28, and he fights with Show until he lifts him up and "body slams" him over the top. Angle sends Kane out a few seconds later. We're up to 29 now, and everyone knows who it's gonna beÉ and it's indeed RVD, who gets a FIVE SHTAR, BAH GAWD THE FIVE SHTAR on Angle right away. He takes out everyone, but Trips gets a Pedigree and RVD sells it like the plague. Booker T is last out, and gets some cheap heat by tossing RVD, who was STILL down. Spin-a-roonie, and Book sells a Stunner all the way over the top rope.

Final Four: Steve Austin, Triple H, Kurt Angle, and Mr. Perfect. The heels double team Austin as Triple H lies around. Angle and Perfect actually get Austin out! Austin jumps back in and takes everyone out with a chair. Kurt accidentally almost sends Perfect out, who turns on Angle and gets a Perfect Plex and flip over neck whip. Of course, Triple H casually clotheslines him out a second later. After a brief series, Angle thinks he eliminated Trips, who gets back in and clotheslines him out to win the Rumble. A decent Rumble match, the ring never got too crowded. The winner was a foregone conclusion, but still some mark-out moments. Would have been nice if Booker and RVD did more, though.

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