Judgment Day 2003
Austin promo
Man, that opening was cool, with the creepy girls and the guy getting noosed. Just too bad that it was exactly from last year's Judgment Day, with the appropriate match buildup clips stuck in. Hell, if you go in slow motion, you can see a clip of HHH in the Walls of Jericho that was used to build up to last year's Judgment Day. Just by the opening package, you can tell that they've acknowledged that this PPV is a write-off. Austin comes out to a big pop, and promises the fans that they'll have a good time. Geez, didn't he see the card? He then goes up to the skybox. Pretty pointless opening segment, and it ate up time that could have been used for...
FBI and John Cena vs. Chris Benoit, Rhyno, and Spanky
This should be a darn good opener, judging by the participants. Even Stamboli and Palumbo were really gaining watchability at this point. Did anyone notice that the FBI looks like the Holy Hollywood Trinity? Nunzio is a dead ringer for Tom Cruise, Stamboli looks like a young Robert DeNiro, and Palumbo looks just like Sylvester Stallone. This is where Spanky debuts his Hurri-boxers look, I believe. Cena cuts an okay, but well-themed rap about the Mafia and Italians in general. Spanky dives onto the FBI to kick things off, and him and Cena go at it for a bit. Cena and Spanky seriously should have had a PPV match by themselves to blow off their feud, instead of a squash match on Smackdown. Spanky gets the beats put to him by the FBI with quick double-team maneuvers, and Palumbo goes to the bearhug a couple of times, wearing him down. I love it when Palumbo wrestles with that cigar butt in his mouth. Spanky breaks free of Palumbo's tenuous grip, and tags Benoit. That was quick for a hot tag. It wasn't even a hot tag. It was more of a lukewarm tag, because it wasn't built up long enough. Benoit Germans everyone in sight, and Rhyno, seeing his first, and only, real action of the match, GOARZ Nunzio, who tried to run in on the heels' behalf. Spanky tags back in and hits a missile dropkick on Cena. The FBI counter a Sliced Bread #2 attempt into the Kiss of Death (Demolition's Decapitation, except it looked vicious when Spanky took it), and gets the pin after a very strenuous four minutes. Seriously, what the fuck? Four minutes for a six-man tag with Spanky, John Cena, Rhyno, and CHRIS FRIGGIN' BENOIT?!?!? Fuck off. If this were given 10-15 minutes, it could have been ***1/2 easy, maybe more, but, as it was, 1/2*
Scott Steiner and Test vs. La Resistance
Stacy's looking fine here. I feel like one of the only internet fans that like La Resistance. I get a kick out of their act, and they don't completely suck in the ring. Well, at least not Rene. Nothing of absolute note happens for the first bit, except for the opening slapfest, in which I marked out for Rene's little dance. Test pounds on Rene, and Steiner comes in and does his clubberin' act. It's not sucking so far, but watch out. Pat Patterson's special project, Sylvain Grenier, comes in after a cheapshot on Steiner, and chinlocks Steiner to death, as I wonder why Team Shriveled Testicles vs. a couple of OVW guys is getting more time than the first match. Grenier beats on Steiner for a bit, but Steiner comes back by countering Rene's patented Top Rope Thingummabob with a bad-looking overhead suplex, and makes the tag to Test. In case you're keeping track, *this* is where the match starts to suck. Bad. Test does some power stuff on the Frenchies, and the French fuck up on a pinfall attempt spot. This is why you don't hotshot rookies onto PPV like that, and give them shitty opponents to boot. Test steals a beret in a desparate attempt to get the fans back into the match, but no dice. Steiner gets a butt-ugly suplex on Rene while Test pumphandles Grenier. Stacy is distracting the ref, so that's why this match wasn't mercifully ended. In another poorly done sequence, Test bumps into her, and she lands in Steiner's arms. Test boots Steiner by mistake, and La Resistance hits Le Crepes Du Wrathe on Steiner for the win. What a sloppy clusterfuck this one turned out to be, and this wasn't the last time we see Test for the night. Joy. I like Test now as a heel, but he was just a boring face, and he was AWFUL in this match. DUD
Gregory Helms runs into Mr. America in the back. Okay segment.
WWE Tag Team Title Ladder Match: Eddie Guerrero and Tajii vs. Team Angle
Quite the replacement for Chavo in Tajiri. In case you didn't know, Chavo tore his bicep during a Velocity taping, and it was explained as Team Angle beating him up during the UK tour in the storyline. Extra points for Cole for pointing out that Eddie was the only one in the match with ladder experience, and actually mentioned his match with RVD. Despite what Scott Keith tries to tell you, Eddie's match with Edge wasn't a ladder match. It was No-DQ, with a ladder getting involved. Some brawling and unsuccessful ladder retrieval to begin. Team Angle beat on Tajiri while Eddie returns to the fray, but gets gutbustered by the champs. They retrieve the ladder from under the ring, as Tajiri badly fucks up a plancha attempt, and Benjamin dodges an Eddie attempt. Team Angle brings the ladder into the ring and try to climb, but Tajiri does the handspring elbow to knock the ladder down in a cool spot. Haas gets the ladder rammed continuously into his unmentionables, and does an awesome facial to boot. Eddie then does his hilo onto Haas, who is trapped in the ladder. Tajiri's climb is halted by Benjamin, and Eddie dropkicks Benjamin off as he's climbing. Benjamin powerslams Eddie onto a ladder set up in the corner in a nasty spot, then Team Angle does the leapfrog rope choke thingy, with Benjamin jumping off the ladder and Tajiri laying on the ladder. Ouch. Haas goes for the gold, but Eddie knocks the ladder over, sending Haas careening to the floor. Benjamin whips Eddie into the ladder, and Tajiri has trouble kicking the ladder. He seems off tonight, though he's pretty much a ladder virgin himself, to my knowledge. Tajiri whacks Team Angle with the ladder and sends them to the outside, and baseball slides the ladder into them. Tajiri gets the Tarantula on Haas, but Benjamin breaks that up with a ladder shot. Yowch. Team Angle then go after Eddie, but Eddie comes back with a monkey flip into the ladder for Benjamin. Eddie goes up again, but is Team Angle interferes. Eddie rids the ladder of Haas, and frog splashed Benjamin. Haas cuts Eddie off, but Eddie retaliates with the MURDERDEATHKILL~ powerbomb off the ladder, though it looked a bit sloppy, with Haas falling a bit late. Benjamin grabs Eddie, and Eddie lets out such a putrid fart in his face that a green cloud erupts and burns Benjamin's eyes. Lay off the pre-match chalupas, Eddie. OK, I lie. Tajiri misted Benjamin, and Eddiejiri wins the tag belts. This was a pretty good match, though there were some real sloppy spots, and you can REALLY see that Team Angle shouldn't have been put in this type of match. Tajiri wasn't great here, either, though it's understandable. Eddie held this pretty well together, and these two teams would have some great matches on Smackdown for a few weeks following this, because they were regular tag matches, and played to both teams' strengths. Still, an OK ladder match. ***1/4
Chris Jericho and Roddy Piper have a pretty funny segment together, though Piper wasn't that good. Jericho gets in a few good lines about Piper attacking Zach Gowen, and, of course, his big gut.
Intercontinental Title Battle Royal
The participants are: Test (out of all the people to book twice in one night...), Chris Jericho, Val Venis (who just returned to the stale gimmick on Heat), Christian, Goldust, Lance Storm, Kane, Rob Van Dam, and Booker T. OK, why did they stick Booker T in there when it was supposed to be all former IC champs? Why did they even have to make that provision, especially when you could have filled the field out a little more with some of the other midcarders, and especially when you planned on having Booker in there in the first place? SMELL THE LOGIC~! RVD and Kane beat on each other to start the match, then everyone gangs up on Kane. Kane breaks it all up and tosses Storm. That was quick. Kane is finally (at less than two minutes) eliminated, and comes back in and kicks everyone's ass, even his tag partner's. Test, Val, and RVD are tossed quickly after, leaving BookDust vs. Vitamin C. Well, those first two and a half minutes were pointless. The remaining four have an okayish mini-match, culminating in Goldust getting a double bulldog and hitting both with the Shattered Dreams. The crowd is very lively here. Booker gets the Spinaroony, and tosses out Goldust shortly after. Vitamin C beat on Booker for a while, then Christian goads Jericho into doing the Lionsault, then tosses Jericho out when he's on the ropes. Brilliant stuff. Just brilliant. Booker mounts the comeback. Christian goes for a low dropkick, but he hits the ref. That looked a bit contrived. Also, haven't they learned from the Armageddon 1999 battle royale to have more than one ref for these things? Ahhhhh, continuity. Booker rids us of Christian by kicking him off the apron, a spot familiar to those who have played those AKI N64 wrestling games, but the ref is unconscious. Booker's music plays, and Pat Patterson goes to give the title to Booker. Christian takes out Patterson, and clocks Booker with the belt, then easily eliminates him for the IC title. The ending was bad, and the first two minutes were a big waste, but the BookDust vs. Vitamin C segment was decent enough. I also liked the fact that they were going for someone new. If only Christian actually put some damn effort into his championship matchesÉ**
Bikini Contest: Torrie Wilson vs. Sable
Lillian does a live rendition of Torrie's theme, thus eating up even more time, as if this segment in itself wasn't a big enough waste. They show off their bikinis, and Torrie looked good here. Crowd is tied, though it sounded like Sable got more applause. Torrie then unveils an even smaller bikini, to the delight of the crowd. Then they smooch. They couldn't have had this on Smackdown WHY?É
Mr. America vs. Roddy Piper
Zach Gowen accompanies HulkÉer, I mean, Mr. America, to the ring. I'm also one of the few people who didn't hate the Mr. America storyline, as I found some amusement out of it. Piper ripped off Gowen's prosthetic to set this match up. Well, it would be better than Hulk squashing a young up-and-comer like Sean O'Haire or Matt Hardy. Speaking of O'Haire, he and Piper double-team Mr. America to begin this thrilling matchup. Speaking of no hair, America comes back and pounds on Roddy, including a ten-count punch spot where Hulk pulls up his mask partway. I would have laughed my ass off if the mask just scrunched up and flew off. O'Haire pulls America out, but America has his way with O'Haire. Piper whips America with the belt, but to no avail. Well, Piper attacking Hogan with leather would be pretty identical to attacking a Pikachu with Thundershock. Yes, this match is so boring that I whip out a Pokemon reference. God help us all. A bargain-basement shot from O'Haire allows Piper to get THE WORST SLEEPER EVER IN CAPTIVITY. I mean, my GRANDMOTHER did a better one than that. America fights back with the usual: rolling solebutt and a Red Star Press, but Vince distracts America before he can hit the Iconoclasm. O'Haire comes in and brandishes a pipe, but is repelled, and the Iconoclasm hits for the three, while Zach holds Vince back, preventing him from breaking the count. It was short, and I've seen worse. Still abysmal, though. DUD
Steph and HHH meet in the back, and Steph tells him to be careful. Yeah, I care.
World Title: Kevin Nash vs. Triple H
Oh, boy. I'm REALLY going to have fun with this match. For the first time, I'm going to keep a tab on the star ratings throughout the whole match, not just the end. When something pisses me off, I deduct. If something happens that I like (fat chance with this match), I give stars back. It's like a normal rating process, except I do it as the match progresses, and actually type it out. Since they actually booked this God-forsaken match despite Nash not getting any reaction, and having terrible buildup to boot, including that LONG backstage brawl that I had the ÒpleasureÓ to sit through live, I'm going to go generous and start things off with a DUD, but only because they advertise Ric Flair and Shawn Michaels as being at ringside. Well, that didn't last long, as Flair and Michaels battle to the back, never to return, despite both getting bigger reactions than the actual combatants. There goes a star for cheating the fans out of something that could have made the match watchable. Oh, and take off a quarter of a star for HHH's hideously bad choice of attire. Nash comes out firing with elbows, knees, and a back body drop. HHH rolls out, and gets posted, then is placed back into the ring. Bodyslam and three elbows happen. Take another quarter of a star away for giving Nash this much goddamned offense. HHH goes to Nash's eyes, and shoves the ref down. Subtract one star for Hebner not stopping this pile of shit, and threatening to do so. HHH takes advantage with the neckbreaker. HHH punches Nash a bit, then Nash comes back with a clothesline. Nash again punches, and he shoves the ref. ANOTHER one-star deduction for Hebner not stopping the match. The count so far, for those keeping score, is -***1/2. Nash goes back to, surprise, more punching, but Earl yanks on Kevin's hair to stop. Add a star and a half, because I like it when Kev's hair is in danger. Pretty sad that the only positive star addition so far is attributed to the referee. Yet ANOTHER ref bump (minus a half-star) leads to HHH going low on Nash, thus negating the last half-star deduction. Turnbuckle pad is removed, and Nash comes back with a side slam. Thrilling. Big Boot and one more ref bump leads to Nash tasting unprotected turnbuckle. HHH hits the Pedigree and gets TWO?!?!?! Take away a star and a half for Nash being the first one chosen to kick out of the Pedigree in like, forever. Nash counters another Pedigree with a backdrop over the ropes. HHH gets the sledgehammer and hits Hebner, causing the DQ. FINALLY! Give it two stars for ending the match, and keeping it relatively short (under eight minutes). Take away one star, though, because this was a DQ finish, thus continuing this crappy feud. Isn't it nice that when HHH has a really crappy match, the feud is extended to the next PPV (see also: Scott Steiner), while his feuds with people that are actually over (RVD, Kane, Booker T) only get one PPV? The Lazy Bomb~ through the table was cool, so add another half-star, thus leaving the final tally at: -**
In case you're wondering, I have been conveniently ignoring the Bischoff/Austin segments, because I wanted to. Throughout the night, there were segments where Austin had to share the skybox with Eric 50/50, so Austin started overfeeding Eric, and having Eric drink Miller Lite to excess. This was mildly funny at very rare instances, and this all lead to Bischoff puking into the crowd (and onto the waitress). Pretty dumb payoff.
Women's Title: Jazz vs. Victoria vs. Trish vs. Jacqueline
I think they needed to calm the crowd down after that last barnburner, so this was put out. Jackie and Trish go at it to start, but Jazz and Victoria break it up. Jacqueline suplexes Jazz, and Victoria gets the cool-looking side slam for two. Jazz double chicken-wings Victoria and Jacqueline. Trish comes back, but is halted and put into the STF (THE F IS FOR FUCKING) by Jazz. Victoria falls victim to a Jacqueline half-crab at the same time. Trish gets the rope break, so Jazz puts the STF (THE F IS FOR FUCKING) on Victoria. Jazz and Trish are alone in the ring, leading to the Matrix (SWANK~) dodge and a chick kick for a two count. Trish gets the Stratusphere on Jazz and Victoria, and takes a great bump, getting tossed outside onto her face after a bulldog attempt. DDT on Jacqueline later, and Jazz is still champ. Not terrible, though really disjointed. *1/2
WWE Championship Stretcher Match: Brock Lesnar vs. Big Show
Nice to see Big Show rewarded with a main-event match after that sickening display of carelessness in regards to that stretcher incident with Rey at Backlash. They whack each other with backboards to begin. Nothing terribly noteworthy. In the ring, Big Show chokeslams Brock and gets the legdrop, making Brock bounce up 3 feet in the air. Big Show sets up a stretcher and puts Brock onto it. Brock stops Big Show on the way to the yellow line, so Show clotheslines Brock off, resulting in some good bumping by Lesnar, as he rolls over the line. They go at it, resulting in Brock choking Show out with the cable. The psychology here is sound, as they try to incapacitate each other enough to effectively stretcher the other out. Brock places Show on the stretcher, but the cable yanks show off of the stretcher. Pretty nasty looking. They fight over a stretcher, with Show winning. Brock is posted, and more backboard whackage occurs. Brock mounts a comeback by knocking Show off the apron and onto a stretcher. Cool. Brock then goes to the back while Rey Mysterio comes in and tries to get some retribution on Show. Show has his way with Rey Rey, until Lesnar comes out with a forklift. FUCKIN' EH! Brock then dives onto Show from the top of the forklift, and kills him with suplexes and a bad-looking F5 that resembled an FU. Brock places a backboard onto the lift, rolls Show onto it, and backs out for the win. That was a hell of an ending, and the match was decent enough to boot, though it dragged somewhat. ***
Verdict: While not being as insanely bad as I remember it, this was still quite a stinkeroo, with only a couple of bright spots. I gotta admit that the crowd was hot throughout most of the show, though. After watching this again, I'd say that this is still the worst PPV of the year, at least until I see Bad Blood. This gets a big fat thumbs down.
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