Mac's 20 Worst Matches
Yes, the worst 20 matches I've seen in my life, IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER. These are ones that I have watches, so if you're wondering why the King of the Road match, or Hogan vs. Warrior from Halloween Havoc 1998 aren't on there, it's because I haven't had the displeasure of seeing those particular disasterpieces. Have fun. :)
1. Triple H vs. Scott Steiner (Royal Rumble 2003): Scott's in-ring return to the WWE was, suffice it to say, not very good, to say the least. This was one of the few instances in 2003 where I saw HHH actually put in an effort to make the match better, but trying to carry Steiner for nearly 20 minutes is something Jesus couldn't do if he had his wrestling sandals on. Steiner blown up a minute in, horrendous brawling, sloppy overhead belly-to-belly suplexes out the wazoo, and the ever-hilarious Stumble Bomb '03. Definitely one of the worst matches ever, but I picked the below match over this for WMOTY in 2003 because this is actually entertaining, in a sick sort of way.
2. Triple H vs. Kevin Nash (Judgment Day 2003): My pick for the Worst Match of 2003, it was seven long minutes of Nash exhausting his moveset a couple of minutes in, HHH moving and bumping like a slug, constant ref bumps and teased DQ endings, eventual DQ ending, and Nash being one of only a handful of people to kick out of the Pedigree. Sadly, this led to more HHH-Nash matches. Notice that the crappier the HHH match, the longer the feud went. Suffice to say, the entire feud (along with that horridly long RAW brawl that I was so lucky to be there live for) was as much fun as blowing chunks. And, to really put that in perspective, Chunks is the name of my dog. The full match rant can be seen here, which will elaborate on the match further, brah.
3. Triple H vs. The Undertaker (King of the Ring 2002): My personal pick for Worst Match of 2002, it featured a lazy Undertaker vs. an injured Triple H in a match that The Rock's presence couldn't even save. This is the epitome of overselling gone horribly wrong, as they spent the entire match punching each other as fast as Muhammed Ali and Rocky Marciano would do to each other in their current states, then spending the latter portion of the match laying around as if someone shot them in the face with an elephant gun. I'd also mention the god-awful "low-blow and rollup" finish, but I've gotten the point across.
4. Hardcore Evening Gown Match: Pat Patterson vs. Gerald Brisco (King of the Ring 2000): It's a fucking evening gown match with Patterson and Brisco. Does it really need elaboration?
5. Undertaker & Kane vs. Kroni>l (Unforgiven 2001): Considered the worst match of 2001, it was four guys who were not afraid to suck for their art. They displayed less selling than a Big & Tall shop in Japan, a storyline with such a dearth in coherency that it makes Jake Roberts' "Heroes of Wrestling" promo sound like one of Dickens' best works, and a pace that would make snails laugh. Not surprisingly, Kroni>l hasn't been seen since. Full rant can be seen here.
6. Hulk Hogan vs. Kevin Nash (1/4/99 Nitro): Yup, the FINGERPOKE OF DOOM match. What do you do to mount a comeback against a surging WWF product? Take the belt off your hottest commodity in Goldberg, then drop it to Hulk Hogan via a fingerpoke, then form yet another lame New World Order division, which the fans had been tiring of. Because of this reviled angle, Nitro never saw another ratings victory, and deservedly so.
7. Rocky Maivia vs. The Sultan (Wrestlemania 13): The Rock vs. Rikishi, before either were very over, or any good. So atrociously boring that I actually had to stop the tape mid-match to take a nap, then watch the rest later. It was also sloppy as hell, amateurish, and had a cheesy roll-up ending after about four hours of non-action. These guys would actually have a *** match three years later, which shows how far along Rocky came, and what Rikishi could do when motivated and not put in a lousy gimmick.
8. Hell in a Cell: Undertaker vs. Big Bossman (Wrestlemania XV): The worst of the Wrestlemania matches here, it was a very poorly conceived idea, which was common for the Corporation vs. Ministry feud. Whoever thought that having these two heel factions feud would lead to matches like this, and Bossman vs. Mideon, must really be child-eatingly, horse-molestingly insane. Bad, slow brawl, with bladejobs that made my shaving cuts look like Muta vs. Hase. When "Boring" chants are the most interesting thing in a Hell in a Cell match, something is seriously wrong. It also features some insanely bad commentary from Michael Cole, the highlight of which is his noting that the cell can be dangerous "because you can get your finger caught in there". Two sssslllloooowwww heels, one cell, zero interest, negative stars.
9. Casket Match: Undertaker vs. Yokozuna (Royal Rumble 1994): The infamous casket match. The match which featured Undertaker fending off TEN wrestlers, and all kinds of trippy shit that will be elaborated upon here. Yes, what he described actually happened, live on PPV, we shit you not. One of the most ridiculous, fake-looking atrocities in wrestling history.
10. Jake Roberts & Yokozuna vs. King Kong Bundy & Jim Neidhart (Heroes of Wrestling): Ah, yes. If I ordered this list, this would be at the very top. The promo preceding it was one of the most unintentionally hilarious things I've EVER seen, not just in wrestling, but in life. Jake, to state it gingerly, was fucking drunk off his then-bulbous ass. The match started off as Jake vs. Neidhart, which was mainly Jake stumbling around, while Anvil did every iota of the work, and still tried to make Jake look credible, even if the crowd knows that he's totally shitfaced. After Jake goes around, wiggling Damien around as if he were a surrogate weiner, and just laying around groping the snake, King Kong and Yoko (who was looking MONDO-FAT) come down and make it an impromptu tag match. After more stumbling around and losing both his boots, the match mercifully ended, and Jake was too drunk to administer a post-match beatdown on King Kong's manager. This whole thing is just too funny for words, and needs to be seen by every wrestling fan. Needless to say, Heroes of Wrestling didn't do too well.
11. The Undertaker vs. Giant Gonzales (Wrestlemania IX): You just knew you had to see El Gigante here somewhere, didn't you? Pretty horrific pile of nothing, which featured Gonzales moving as if he had weights under his feet, and selling everything the same way, which was just him reeling back with his eyes bugging out. The silly ether-rag DQ finish didn't help matters, either. Suddenly, Nathan Jones doesn't seem all that bad.
12. Bradshaw & Trish Stratus vs. Christopher Nowinski & Jackie Gayda (7/8/02 RAW): Most people chose this as Worst Match of 2002. I had this behind UT vs. HHH. The guys in the match weren't too bad, but the spotlight is on the ladies, where they (mainly Jackie) blew so many spots that they could be mistaken for Dalmatian prostitutes. It also had one of the most insanely business-exposing finishes ever, with a bulldog missing by several feet, then Jackie just falling down a few seconds later for the three. Absolute car wreck, and Jackie wasn't seen until later in 2003. It also exposed what a joke Tough Enough II was, as Linda was supposedly WORSE around this time. Glad to see they're more careful with the TE3 guys.
13. Jeff Hardy vs. Krazy K vs. Joey Matthews (ROH: Death Before Dishonor): Yup, Jeff Hardy's infamous Ring of Honor match. When I ranted on this originally, I had a fucking ball doing it. An easy contender for Worst Match of 2003, and the REALLY sad thing was that Krazy K put on a much, MUCH shittier performance than Jeff, and Jeff was beyond abysmal himself. I can see Sabu watching this and saying to himself "God DAMN, those guys are sloppy". Full match rant can be seen here.
14. Fabulous Moolah vs. Ivory (No Mercy 1999): It's matches like this that caused the Women's title to be so devalued. Three horrible minutes, which saw Mae Young, the best worker in the match, bump like a freak, Ivory fucking up a plancha, a maneuver Gail Kim would adopt four years later, and moves making zippo contact, until Moolah gets the worst rollup since Austin's rollup on Owen, and gets the title. It definitely shows how improved the Women's division is, at least.
15. Kennel From Hell: Big Bossman vs. Al Snow (Unforgiven 1999): The ever-classic match where dogs circled the ring shitting, pissing, and fucking, while Snow and Bossman smack each other with wood. Strangely, I enjoyed it, but I cannot deny how terrible it is. Maybe I enjoy it because it IS so bad. It's also pretty funny to hear JR and King rip on it afterwards. Pretty fucked up concept (blue bar cage inside a HIAC, with dogs surrounding the ring) coupled with a fucked up storyline, where Snow was fed his own dog by Bossman. As Shakespearean as it sounds. Let's just move on, shall we?
16. Booker T vs. Buff Bagwell (7/2/01 RAW): The very first WCW match on RAW, which was a really bad sign for the InVasion storyline. The match was pretty much doomed when Buff "I Suck" Bagwell, who was an abysmal wrestler, was announced as the challenger to Booker's WCW title. When the match started, the crowd was, to understate, less than enamored with a WCW match as RAW's main event, and just let loose right on both guys, openly chanting "This Match Sucks" throughout, and not reacting for ANYTHING done. The match was also the usual Bagwell shitfest, complete with sloppiness and boredom. Booker was also way off the mark here. When Austin and Angle came out, the crowd cheered vociferously as they beat the crap out of the WCW guys and threw them out the door. Bagwell didn't last long after this abortion.
17. Diamond Dallas Page vs. Sara (8/20/01 RAW): The epitome of burying the opposition, Undertaker spent a good couple of months making DDP his bitch in every conceivable way, dominating him in a fight at King of the Ring, and squashing him like a bug at Summerslam. This was the night after Summerslam, actually, which REALLY put the nail in the coffin of ANY last bit of overness DDP had in the WWF. The match basically consisted of Taker chokeslamming DDP on the floor, and having his wife pin him. Taker was at his absolute worst here in terms of killing off a wrestler's credibility. I could imagine him singing a version of the Stonecutters' Song.
"Who kills heat with his Last Ride?"
"Who jobs wrestlers to his bride?"
"I Do! I Do!"
18. Triple H vs. Hollywood Hulk Hogan (Backlash 2002): I just watched this again recently, and I didn't realize how fucking boring this was until then. Seriously, it was Hogan-Warrior, only without the epic feel or the workrate, and how often do I say THAT about matches involving Hogan OR Warrior? Hogan was his usual 2002-era horrible, but HHH, while trying to implement psychology, was slow and plodding, as per the time period. The only thing that really got my attention was Hogan's Diamond Cutter. He needs to use that more often. The run-in brigade and silly "I won't win that way...actually, I will" nature of the ending drug it down, too. They should flash a warning before showing this match: "Do not operate heavy machinery while watching this match".
19. 1999 Royal Rumble match: Normally, this wouldn't make this list, because I enjoyed it somewhat, but I am a huge mark for Rumbles, and this was the worst I've seen of them, so it deserved a spot on the list. Entirely too much nothing going on for the first two thirds or so of it, and the fact that they bended so many rules to fit the somewhat contrived storyline was kinda irritating. Vince winning it was also deemed somewhat useless the next night. The last third of it was pretty hot with Austin in it, but the thing as a whole was poor by Rumble standards.
20. Big Bossman vs. Mideon (St. Valentine's Day Massacre): Bossmanmania is runnin' wild on this list, ain't it? Not only was it a horrible match, and a horrible stable rivalry (Corporation vs. Ministry), and it was two un-over heels going at it, but it was on a fucking PPV. People shelled out their hard-earned money to watch this, I shit you not. The show did have the Last Man Standing match with Rock and Mankind, and a blowoff to the mega-hot Austin-Vince feud, but I can still imagine people feeling cheated when this match popped up. I can see why it's not advertised on the commercial release.
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