Review Trifecta #1
Hell In A Cell: Mankind vs. The Undertaker
From: King of the Ring 1998
Yep, THIS match. Basically, it came about when Vince wanted to both punish Taker and test the new, corporate Mankind (with new shirt-and-tie look), so he put them both in the Hell in a Cell. Simple as. Mankind starts by climbing to the top of the cell, as Terry Funk told him to do so before the match, to give people the illusion that the match would be good. Taker comes in (with a broken ankle), and climbs the cell, and goes after Mankind. Some punching abounds, and they nearly fall through one of the other squares on top of the cell. That would have been something. After a bit, Taker, with NO build at all, just tosses Mankind off the top of the cell and through the Spanish table. That was a great bump, but it wasn't built up right, and there was MASSIVE dead space afterwards. If they did it for the ending, it would have worked a lot better, but doing it about a minute or two into the match takes away from the effect. It was unexpected, but not used as well as it could have been. If you look at the Summerslam 2000 match with Shane McMahon and Steve Blackman, Shane took a bump almost twice as spectacular, and Blackman took from nearly the same height as Foley, and they built to those bumps, so they worked to their fullest potential. After a while, Mankind gets up, getting a nice pop in the process, and climbs the cell again, only to take a sloppy chokeslam through the roof and to the ring. The chair that fell down with him knocked a couple of his teeth out after hitting him on impact. Nasty fucking bump, but it was accidental, which was NOT what you would have wanted, especially when the canvas wasn't gimmicked to take that kind of fall. All it led to was another sick Foley bump with no build. A minute or two later, Taker goes for the ropewalk, but Mankind blocks, and we get the famous visual of the tooth sticking out of his nose. Ugh. On the floor, Taker takes the stairs to Mick (who clearly has suffered a dislocated shoulder from the first fall), and misses a suicide dive, and hitting the cage. The dumbass camera crew focus in on Taker blading, which is just bush-league. Mankind piledrives Taker on a chair for two, and gets a legdrop onto the chair, placed on Taker's face, for two. After a double-arm DDT, Foley gets a bag of thumbtacks from under the ring, and dumps them all over the ring. Mankind goes for the Mandible Claw, but Taker falls back, dropping Mankind onto the tacks. Ouch. Taker then gets a chokeslam on the thumbtacks, and the tombstone ends the slaughter. The match after the bumps was okayish at VERY best, mostly because of injuries to both guys. There wasn't much wrestling in this match, just two bumps and a few moves, coupled with lots of nothing after the first one. Despite what I just typed about the match, it is still a classic, and a display of what Foley is willing to do himself to make sure the fans get their money's worth, and it made him truly famous. Those fans in attendance got a couple of memorable "HOLY SHIT" moments, which sent them home happy, no doubt. It's also sad at the same time, considering it gave him the label of "glorified stuntman" by people trying to sound "cool", despite him having a great grasp of psychology and how to work an effective brawl. I can see why people love it, though, because it did provide a couple of "HOLY SHIT" moments, but I can see why people hated it, because of what Foley put himself through, and because there was very little wrestling in it. Overall, the match sucked as a whole, but it's definitely required viewing, and a classic, even for the wrong reasons. 1/2*
Undertaker vs. Kane
From: Wrestlemania XIV
This had some truly amazing buildup leading to it. I'm not going through it all because it would take up a book, but it's quite awesome, so take my word for it. Pete Rose runs the Boston Red Sox down in a funny bit, but Kane comes down and starts a three year tradition by tombstoning Pete, to a massive pop. Undertaker gets a SWANK-ASS~ entrance here, where a gaggle of druids come out with torches, making mini-archways over the entrance for Undertaker to walk over. Awesome stuff. They pound away on each other to start, selling nothing. Pretty decent spot happens when Taker is hanging on the top rope, and Kane jumps off the ropes with a forearm onto Taker's back. Later, Taker seems to be going for a victory roll (?!?), but Kane turns it into an electric chair drop, in theory. Outside, Taker eats stairs, and they do not taste like chocolate, as JR told me some time ago. Duh, they taste like chicken. Back in, Taker does a neat strategy, where he blocks Kane's punches, in hopes that Kane would tire himself out. Kane gets a chokeslam, but he picks Taker up before three, which signals that Kane won't win this one. Kane goes to a DEVASTATING chinlock, and I'm surprised Taker's eyeballs didn't pop out with all the FORCE being applied to it. Taker fights free, but gets caught in it again. Ring the fucking bell, it's over. Not even Undertaker could no-sell that painful hold. Awesome spot happens when Taker goes for a hands-free plancha, but Kane moves, and Taker goes through the Spanish table. Just awesome. In the ring, it only gets two. Kane gets his trademark clothesline, and gets two off of the tombstone. Taker gets up and manages to get a tombstoneÉfor two. Whoa. Another tombstone only gets two. After a third tombstone, Taker decides to go for the lateral press and hook the leg instead of his usual post-tombstone pin, which was a neat bit of psychology. That ever-so-barely got three. As a match, it wasn't that great, with some REALLY slow spots and a bit of sloppiness, but the spectacle, buildup, little touches of psychology, cool spots, heat, and effort bumps it to a respectable grade. ***
Jeff Hardy vs. Krazy K vs. Joey Matthews
From: Ring of Honor: Death Before Dishonor
Yup. The infamous Jeff Hardy Ring of Honor match. Jessica proclaimed that he lost his passion for wrestling before the show, which was something you DIDN'T want to do with an ROH crowd. They treat him to "Fuck you, Hardy" and "Hardy Sucks" chants before the match began. He comes out wearing his Will O The Wisp mask, and he makes my day by slipping on the ropes during his entrance. Krazy K is apparently Jeff's protŽgŽ, which would explain why he fucking sucks. The crowd then chants to "You got fired!" a minute later, then they turn it into a "We want Matt!" chant. I love this crowd. Jeff tries to play it off, even with a mock "V.1" hand signal. Matthews takes Krappy K out to start, then goes after Jeff. Matthews tries to unmask Jeff, but Krappy K interrupts. Matthews gets a nice dropkick on K, then tries to unmask Jeff again, only to be interrupted again. Good God, Joey, you already know who the fucker is. The mask isn't important in the match. Joey tosses K out of the ring and goes for Jeff again, but Jessica throws some REALLY girly punches to come back, and takes him down with what looks like a clothesline or a shoulderblock, but it sucked anyways. Joey misses a dropkick, and Jeff unmasks to reveal...MATT HARDY! No, it's still Jeff McSuck. Jeff then gets his double-legdrop on the groin spot as Krappy K makes it to the ring. K and Jeff do a decent double-flapjack on Joey, but I'll attribute it to luck. They clothesline him out of the ring, and this is where the match REALLY starts to suck. This leaves K and Jeff to do a shove-and-slap fest before tying up, then they botch a clothesline spot. JEFF IS SO AWESOME! Jeff gets a back body drop, which didn't suck, which surprised me. K and Jeff then fuck up a DDT reversal spot. Ugh. I think K may be WORSE than Jeff. Try to go to sleep thinking about THAT. Even the announcers admit that it was a screw up, literally. K then gets that Nightmare on Helms Street with a leg, the one Big Show's been using lately. Joey interrupts the three-count and tosses K out, then tosses him back into the ring like a dipshit. Anytime you have a chance to keep K out of a match, DO IT. Jeff and Joey go at it on the floor, and K hits a corkscrew plancha to the outside, that DIDN'T SUCK. Miracles happen, folks. The crowd chants "Hardy Sucks" again. K "beats" on Matthews in the corner, with "beats" used loosely. Looked more like a massage. Jeff then beats on Matthews as this match falls COMPLETELY apart. K goes back to massaging Joey again, then Jeff stomps him again. Jeff and K do a pitiful rendition of Poetry in Motion. Whitman, it ain't. Jeff then does a sort-of mulekick to Joey's face in the corner, which looked pretty cool. K then gets a mondo-sloppy rollup on Jeff for two. Yep, K's worse. K goes for a rana, but Jeff counters with a powerbomb. Jeff removes his shirt, drawing a pop from the females in the crowd, and goes for the Swanton, but Matthews stops that, turning himself face in the process. Matthews gets Christian's diving inverted DDT for two. Jeff and Joey bite each other on the ropes. Damn, Joey, you don't know where that's been. Jeff hits the Swanton on Joey and pins K after his double legdrop compactor thingy, hard to describe, to end the pain and the pleasure. The pain was the actual match, which was sloppy beyond belief and had no flow whatsoever. The pleasure was the ice-cold crowd reaction to Jeff, which made that match almost bearable, but made it worth seeing. DUD, because a couple of nice spots and the crowd reaction keep it above negative stars.
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