Wrestlemania IX
A while ago, I claimed in my Wrestlemania 13 rant that this was the worst Wrestlemania of all time. I decided to watch it again to see if it can stand up to that claim. WILL IT STAND AS THE WORST WRESTLEMANIA OF ALL TIME? TUNE INTO NITRO TO...oh, wait.
Shawn Michaels vs. Tatanka
This is quite possibly where the show peaked, because it went pretty far downhill from here. Even then, this wasn't that great. Shawn just bumps around like a madman for Tatanka, while Tatanka bores me with restholds and armbars. Still, the match was pretty decent, even if Shawn pretty much does it by himself. This was quite a subpar Shawn Michaels performance, though, because of several blown spots, including a "what the hell was he thinking?" victory roll-type move. I gotta admit that the atmosphere is awesome, with it being outdoors and all. Apparently, Michaels is DQed at the end, thus ruining the best match of the night, if only by attrition. Still, not a bad effort by both. **1/2
Steiner Brothers vs. Headshrinkers
You know how fucking weird it is to see Scott with a dark mullet and actual ability? I think this is the Steiners' only Wrestlemania appearance. Did I ever note how much Samu looks like Rhyno, because he does. This match is basically a pile of nothing with two SWANK~ spots. The first one looked like an intended stun-gun, but Scott just falls over the top to the floor. It looked like it fucking killed him, and a "HOLY SHIT!" chant would have been appropriate. The second one happened when the Shrinkers had Rick in a Doomsday Device-type position. Samu jumps off the top, and Rick turns it into a powerslam off of Fatu's shoulders. That had to be seen to be believed. The rest is all punchy-kicky, with the Shrinkers getting the majority of the offense. Scott finishes off with an pug-fugly Frankensteiner. Two spots, nothing else. 3/4*
Crush vs. Doink
This is the first incarnation of Doink, where he's all evil and creepy and stuff. That was the awesome Doink. Here's how good the character was: he still freaks *me* out. The character became shit when they replaced Matt Bourne with some random jobber (whose name escapes me at the moment) and turned him face. This is the face Crush, and he's wearing neon yellow, fluorescent orange, and neon purple. Combine that with what Doink's wearing, and you get me adjusting my set because the colors are totally fucking up my eyesight. The match didn't outright suck, but it didn't click on all cylinders. Basically, Crush destroys Doink, then Doink takes down Crush with top rope moves, they trade piledrivers, and the Wrestlecrap finish happens: A second Doink (played by Skinner) comes in and whacks Crush with the prosthetic arm, and they do a "dude, I'm looking in a mirror and stuff" routine to try to fool the crowd (and the announcers) into thinking that it's an illusion. I gotta admit, the ending was quite creative, but I hated how the announcers were going on about how "ITZ EN ILLUSIONORZX!OMG!", even if one of the Doink's facepaint was smeared. Match wasn't terrible, but not good, either. *1/2
Razor Ramon vs. Bob Backlund
VOTE BACKLUND IN 2004! Sorry, reflex action. Ahem. Razor gets a pretty nice face pop for a supposed heel. Backlund gets no reaction, mainly because this is the face Backlund, well before he became such an over heel. This is pretty much a Superstars main event, as Ramon dominates, and Backlund gets in some of his old-school offense, like the ATOMICO DROPPAAAAAAAHHHH!!!! Ramon small-packages Backlund for the win. Another crappy finish. And the point of this match wasÉ? Well, I can see WWE wanting the fans to remember that Ramon actually did exist. 1/2*
Money Inc. vs. Megamaniacs
My God, does Hogan look smaller here or what? This was when Hogan was off the steroids, and it showed. Beefcake wears a mask (thank God). This match pretty much goes nowhere and takes a while to get there. I do admire the psychology used with Beefcake's face, though, with Money Inc. going after the mask, and Beefcake selling it well. It's just that the match is incredibly boring, with me falling asleep several times while trying to watch it. Seriously. In a night of shitty endings, the Megamaniacs are disqualified, thus making two title matches ending in DQ non-finishes. IT'S FREAKIN' WRESTLEMANIA! Hogan and Brutus get a long posedown segment after the match, and the crowd is pretty hot for them, even with Beefcake's lame-ass strut. Match blew, though. 1/2*
The Narcissist vs. Mr. Perfect
Speaking of another cool character. The Narcissist gimmick really fit Luger like a glove, as he came down to the ring with some choice ladies, and had them hold up mirrors just for him to admire himself. Vince should have stuck with this character instead of the all-American Hogan cloning attempt that failed miserably. Mr. Perfect screws up a promo before the match, promising to take care of the "Lexorcist Narc Luger". It's a pretty funny mess-up. The match doesn't really go anywhere (like most of the matches on the tape). Just "a bunch of stuff that happens", honestly, except for Luger working on Perfect's back. The match is also short, too, and another crappy ending occurs, with Luger winning via backslide, with Hennig's feet on the ropes. Luger clocks him afterwards with THE FOREARM OF IMMENSE STEELAGE. The Perfect-Michaels feud starts here when Perfect attacks Lex in the backstage area, and Shawn goes after him. Nothing match, though Hennig sold and bumped well. *3/4
Undertaker vs. Giant Gonzales
Gonzales looks pretty damn big, but incredibly scrawny, which is why they gave him that muscle suit, to make up for the lack of real muscles. Undertaker comes out with the vulture, which is such a damn cool visual. The match itself is excruciating to watch, with lots of nothing happening. Gonzales makes good use of his all-purpose bug-eyed selling here, and he moves like a total slug. This ends in ANOTHER crappy finish, as Gonzales uses an ether-soaked rag to take out Taker. The announcers ponder as to whether Undertaker is dead, as the EMTs wheel him to the back. UT comes back out at gets him some more of Gonzales. Just a brutal match. -**1/2
Bret Hart vs. Yokozuna
Surprisingly, this match is pretty darned alright, though it was mostly when Bret was on offense. Bret uses some damn good psychology here by tripping up Yoko in the ropes from the outside, and going to the air for a bit, until Yoko stops the Hart express and takes over. Yoko didn't look too bad here, actually. The match is quite short, especially for a Wrestlemania main event, probably because Yoko probably wouldn't have been able to make 20 minutes without lots of nerve-pinching. Bret finds a way to actually get the sharpshooter on Yoko, but Mr. Fuji tosses salt in Bret's eyes (some of which actually did land on Hebner), and Yoko rolls Bret up for the three. Well, the night wouldn't be complete without another dumb finish. Okay match, though not Wrestlemania main-event quality. **1/4 Hogan comes out and issues a challenge to the belt, man, instead of telling the ref what actually happened in the hopes of him reversing the decision, brother. The mini-match is on, dude, as Fuji hits Yoko by accident with the salt, man. Did you know that Yoko's package was plump and perky, brah? Sorry. Hogan hits the AXE BOMBAAAAA and the legdrop, and Hogan's the champion again, to a non-Hogan-esque pop. It was a decent pop, but you can sense that the magic is gone. Hogan then takes the title and goes to make another movie, and I believe he refused to job to Bret at Summerslam, which suitably pissed Vince off, as Hogan promised to put Bret over as the new big WWE star. Hogan then loses the title at the first King of the Ring to Yoko, with the finishing move being the legdrop. Vince wanted no part of Hogan anymore at that point.
Verdict: After watching Wrestlemania IX a second time, it still retains the title of "worst Wrestlemania". Only two half-decent matches, and nothing breaks ***. A definite thumbs down, but I'll leave by saying some of the positive things about it.
- The opener and the main event were OK
- The atmosphere was awesome
- The finish of the Doink-Crush match was creative
- The Steiners-Headshrinkers match had two awesome spots
- Mr. Perfect bumped and sold well in his match
- The Undertaker's entrance was mondo cool
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