Wrestlemania X-Seven
Heat match: Steve Blackman & Grandmaster Sexay vs. X-Pac & Justin Credible
This is pretty much in X-Factor's infancy, and they would REALLY leave a mark in wrestling. Unfortunately, that mark was a big ol' shitstain. Blackman and Sexay dance (and I use that term loosely with Blackman) before the match, pretty much signaling that they're doing the job. A Jakked match happens, as Cokemaster is pounded on for a bit by X-Factor, then makes the tag to Blackman. Albert distracts Blackman, and 1-2-3 Kid and Aldo Montoya hit X Marks The Spot (double superkick) for the three. This was pretty damned quick, and contained nothing noteworthy. 1/2*
Intercontinental Title: Chris Jericho (c) vs. Commissioner William Regal
This one came about when Jericho started harassing Regal when Regal became commissioner. Regal put Jericho in a bunch of no-win matches, and put himself against Jericho at Wrestlemania. Jericho managed to get some revenge on Regal by taking a leak in Regal's tea, and ambushing him while dressed as Doink. Jericho dominates to start with a forearm and leg lariat, then nearly misses a plancha to the outside. Back elbow off the top by Jericho, as the announcers mention that Jericho's arm could be hurting for a prior attack. As if hearing the announcers, Regal goes right to work on the arm. Jericho misses a Lionsault, and Regal dominates again, ramming Jericho's shoulder into an exposed turnbuckle, and Jericho is doing a pretty damned good job of selling. Regal then gets a SWANK~ avalanche butterfly suplex. Jericho manages to get the Walls, but Regal escapes, and gets a variation of the Regal Stretch. He doesn't get the crossface, but he locks the arm. Good psychology. Jericho makes the ropes, and chops Regal's chest until it's colored like a tomato. Gotta love that. Regal tastes his own unprotected turnbuckle, and Jericho bulldogs him. Regal is out of position for the Lionsault, so Jericho suplexes him into the right position, and the Lionsault finishes. The psychology, work, and selling were good, but the finish was a bit too abrupt, and the match was a bit on the short side. Still, a good opener to get the crowd into things. **3/4
Right To Censor vs. APA and Tazz
Bradshaw, shockingly, cuts one fucking great promo backstage beforehand, listing various sports memories that happened in the Astrodome. The RTC team is comprised of Val Venis, Bull Buchanan, and Goodfather, with Steven Richards at ringside. Six-way slugfest erupts at the start, as Jacqueline kicks Steven's ass. Tazz plays angry orange midget-in-peril, as Bull hits a nice rebound clothesline. Goodfather hits his usual offense, and hits the Ho Train. Vader Bomb misses, and Bradshaw is tagged in. The APA hits their nice double spinebuster on Bull, and Bradshaw hits an avalanche backdrop suplex on Val. Rekon and Kama Mustafa hit Justin "Hawk" Bradshaw with a double-team powerbomb, but Bradshaw dodges a Soultaker Ho Train, and hits the Clothesline from Hell for the three. Short, energetic, and inoffensive, which is more than what I could say for a lot of these guys. *
Hardcore Title: Raven (c) vs. Kane vs. Big Show
Heyman: "Kane scares me, and I am a fearless man". Why? Kane isn't a debt collector. Raven attacks Kane before Show comes out, and it doesn't go well for Raven. Kane tosses Raven into Show, who catches him and readies him for the Final Cut (Eye of The Hurricane, or Nightmare on Helms Street). Kane stops him with a clothesline from the top to the outside. Not often you see someone Kane's size do that kind of thing. They brawl in the crowd, and go backstage. Kane makes a dent in the drywall using Raven's head. Big Show, actually showing intelligence, locks him and Raven in a fenced area. Kane manages to break the lock, and they go out into the hallway, where Raven is getting choked out with a hose, then he takes a SICK bump through a window. Show and Kane go through a steel door, and try to chokeslam each other, but they end up going through the wall. Cool spot. A bloody Raven enters though a door and tries to get the pin, but no dice. Golf carts get involved, as I sense the hand of Bill Golfberg booking this match. Raven tries to escape in a cart, but Show hitches a ride, and they go off track. Kane gets a cart, and has the ref ride with him. That stuck me as funny for some reason. Raven's leg gets hit with the cart. They brawl near the catering table, where Kane is hit with a cardboard box containing packing peanuts. OK, Mick Foley has to be booking this one. Raven is slammed on the Snapple table, clearing it. They go back to the entranceway, where Show tries to press slam Raven, but Kane boots Show, causing Show and Raven to plummet through some staging. Nice. Kane then elbowdrops Show and pins him for the Hardcore title. Raven should have won this match to get him more over, but Kane pinned Show, so Raven wasn't devalued too much. Fun garbage match, with great bumping by Raven, and the big lugs didn't drag it down too much. Could have used a little more substance, though. **1/2
European Title: Test (c) vs. Eddy Guerrero
Perry Saturn comes out with Eddy, and is sporting the BEST. HAT. EVER. They brawl to start, with Test getting his sideswipe powerbomb early on. Later, Eddy tries a Frankensteiner, but Test blocks it by simply holding onto the ropes. Test gets caught in the ropes, and Eddy falls out of the ring while trying to get Test out. After a bit, Test is free, and starts selling a leg injury. That's a pretty good way to save face after that kind of mishap. Eddy goes to work, then tries a sleeper. Test escapes, and gets a tilt-a-whirl sideslam to come back. He then gets a WHOMP-ASS~ tilt-a-whirl into a spinning sitout powerbomb. That only gets two. Eddy hits Test low to avoid the full-nelson slam, and Saturn hits the Moss-Covered Three-Handled Family Credenza behind the ref's back. That name rules. Test hits the pumphandle slam, and takes out Eddy and Saturn. Dean Malenko prevents a pinfall, allowing Test to act like a total blond by going after him, and Eddy hits Test with the European belt for the three. LIE, CHEAT, & STEAL~. Damn good match, with a lot of close near-falls and great effort all-round. ***1/4
Kurt Angle vs. Chris Benoit
Angle cuts a funny promo beforehand just to rip into the Texas crowd. Heyman: "This is as excited as a man can get with his clothes on". This was the first one-on-one American PPV match between the two (they had one at Insurrextion 2000). Angle and Benoit have some terrific exchanges on the match, fighting for submissions and cradles, and the crowd shows appreciation, which is always good to see. After several wrestling sequences, which saw Benoit get the upper hand, Angle says "screw this wrestling shit", and just decks Benoit. That was pretty cool, and a neat bit of storytelling. Angle dominates Benoit on the outside, and gets a couple of suplexes on the inside. Benoit tries to come back with chops, but Angle gets a couple of nice overhead belly-to-belly suplexes. Benoit comes back with a short-arm clothesline. Slugfest is won by Benoit, who hits the snap suplex and a superplex. Benoit goes for the rolling German suplexes, but Angle reverses into the Anklelock, which Benoit reverses to his own. Benoit gets the Crossface, but Angle gets HIS own Crossface. These are just great reversals. Ref is taken out, and Crossface by Benoit makes Angle tap. Angle Slam gets two. Benoit lifts the knees to block the moonsault, and hits Angle with the diving headbutt. Angle gets a low blow, and reverses a rollup, and grabs the trunks for the victory. Hell, this finish lead to more Benoit-Angle matches, so I have no beef with it. Excellent mat-wrestling here, and pretty good brawling in the middle. The second-best Benoit-Angle match, and I'll let you guess what the best one was. ****1/2
Regal gets out of the trainer's room, but finds Kamala trashing his office. Regal's facial expressions and dialogue are hilarious.
Women's Title: Ivory (c) vs. Chyna
Ivory goes after Chyna's "injured" neck, VICIOUSLY~ stomping it, then mounting and hitting some stiff-ass punches. Fuck Joshi. THIS is *true* female pro-wres. Chyna mounts the comeback by tossing Ivory around like a rag doll. Powerbomb and press slam end this marathon, as Chyna wins the Women's belt. I'm glad they kept this one short, as to not collapse Astrodome with their earth-shattering workrate. DUD, because this classic was too good for regular stars, so I used a whole word to rate it, instead. How will Rock-Austin and TLC II top THIS?!?!?!
Streetfight: Shane McMahon vs. Vince McMahon
The story here is that Vince politely requested a divorce by shouting "I WANT A DIVORCE~!" in Linda's face, thus causing a mental breakdown. Linda was institutionalized, and sedated heavily, thus playing to her acting range. Vince, at the same time, was having an affair with Trish, and flaunted it in front of Linda McVegetable. Stephanie was on Vince's side, being Daddy's Girl and all. Shane made his return to avenge his mother, and a match between Vince and Shane was signed. To add to the story, WCW was bought out by WWE in real life (for about $4 million), and Vince, in storyline, wanted Ted Turner to finalize the deal at Wrestlemania. Shane appeared on the last Nitro, and revealed that he bought WCW right under Vince's nose, thus pissing Vince off. Mick Foley, who was fired as commissioner by Vince, was the referee. Shane gives a shout-out to some WCW guys in the skybox before the match. Vince gets the upper hand in the early going, pounding and choking Shane out, until Shane gets the spear. Stephanie comes in and slaps Shane across the face, and Shane baseball-slide dropkicks Vince and beats on him with "KEEP OFF" signs. Shane gets a clothesline off the railing, and wails on Vince with a kendo stick. This is some pretty damned good brawling for a couple non-wrestlers. Spanish table is prepped for the Shane-O-Mac elbow, but Steph pulls Vince off and Shane crashes through the table himself. Awesome spot. Trish wheels Linda out, then slaps Vince, to a nice pop. Steph goes nuts, and a catfight erupts. Cool. Foley breaks it up (damn), but gets slapped for his efforts by Steph. The catfight continues out into the aisleway, and to the back. Vince looks at Linda, and is clearly mouthing "bitch". Vince is just a great heel here. He attempts to go after her, but Mick cuts him off, prompting a "FOLEY" chant. Vince chairs Foley down, and rolls Linda into the ring. Vince sets a chair up in the corner and sits her down. Shane finally manages to pull himself from the wreckage, but Vince beats him down and tosses him into the ring, and tosses four garbage cans after him. Vince destroys Shane with some nice can shots, and badmouths Linda inbetween shots. As Vince preps for the third shot, Linda rises up, and I'll be damned if everyone in the arena didn't stand up when that happened. Excellent drama here. She kicks Vince in the grapefruits, and Foley comes in and beats the crap out of Vince, making the crowd even more insane. Shane places a garbage can in front of Vince, and debuts the Mac Terminator, and gets the three. Awesome finish to a highly entertaining drama fest. This is another example of what happens when overbooking goes right. ***1/2
Tag Team Titles: TLC II
Big brawl to start. Hardyz hit Poetry in Motion, and E&C decimate everyone with a ladder. E&C get a double tree of woe nutstomp on Matt. Lita ain't gonna like that. Matt gets speared off the ladder by Edge, then he gets dropkicked off the ladder by Jeff. Hardyz hit the splash-legdrop combo off the ladders onto Edge, then Edge is hit with the Wazzup headbutt. The Dudleyz call for tables. They lay Edge onto a table, and Bubba counters a hurricanrana by Jeff, and powerbombs him onto Edge, through the table. Nice. Dudleyz stack up four tables onto the outside. All six climb three ladders simultaneously, and it ends in a spectacular trainwreck, as Christian falls straight down onto his ass on the outside. Ouch. Edge goes for the gold, but Spike, having debuted a week before this, comes in and Dudley Dogs Edge, and hits the Dudley Dog on Christian, through a table on the outside. Jeff climbs, but Rhyno comes in and wrings Jeff's arm so he falls off the ladder. That was pretty sick-looking. Rhyno GOARS Bubba, and GOARS Matt through a table set up in the corner. No wonder his neck was so fucked up. Rhyno then sets the ladder up and gets Edge to climb. Lita stops that by jerking Edge offÉthe ladder (to quote JR). Edge starts to climb again, but Rhyno accidentally knocks the ladder over after Lita ranas him. They Dudleyz hit Rhyno with the Dudleyville Device, while Lita DESTROYS Spike with a sweet chairshot. The Dudleyz avenge Spike with a 3D on Lita. E&C take the Dudz out with chairs. Jeff sets up the mega ladder on the outside, and hits the Swanton onto Rhyno and Spike. That's pretty cool psychology, in that it takes out the interfering parties for the other teams. The big-ass ladder is set up in the ring, and Christian and D-Von go for the gold. They hang off the ring holding the belts, and both fall off in spectacular fashion. Awesome. Jeff tries to walk along the tops of three ladders set up, but loses his balance, but lands on his feet safely. Damn, that's just insane to try that shit. Jeff is left dangling with the belts, and gets speared to the mat by Edge. HOLY SHIT. No wonder Jeff was broken down by mid-2002. Bubba and Matt fight on the big ladder, but Rhyno recovers and pushes the ladder down, causing Bubba and Matt to land in the big table stack. What a fucking wreck this match is, and I mean that in the nicest way. D-Von is close to the tag belts, but is held down by Edge, as Christian, on Rhyno's shoulders, gets the belts. ANOTHER awesome spotfest with these teams, and the interference actually helped the match instead of hurting it, giving it another dimension. *****
Gimmick Battle Royal
Mean Gene and Bobby Heenan come out to do commentary. We have the Bushwhackers, Duke "The Dumpster" Drose (who dropped about 60 pounds since his last WWE appearance, and was sporting a new bald look), Iron Sheik (Heenan: "By the time Sheik makes it to the ring, it'll be Wrestlemania 38"), Earthquake, The Goon (the violent hockey player), Doink (drawing a good pop), Kamala and Kimchee, REPO MAN~ (drawing an instantaneous markout from me), Jim Cornette, Nikolai Volkoff, Michael "P.S" Hayes (making me mark out for "Bad Street USA"), One Man Gang (who has a beast of a willie, according to Hulk Hogan ^_- ), Gobbeldy Gooker (originally, it was Hector Guerrero in a turkey suit), Tugboat (otherwise known as Typhoon and SHOCKMASTER~!), Hillbilly Jim (actually drawing a great pop of his own), Brother Love, and Sgt. Slaughter. This one goes really fast, as everyone is eliminated in short order. The crowd boos maliciously when Doink is eliminated. The last four are Brother Love, Slaughter, Sheik, and Jim. Brother goes, Slaughter goes, Jim goes, and Iron Sheik, whose knees were too fucked to risk being eliminated, wins the thing. Slaughter goes in and attacks Sheik, and downing him with the Cobra Clutch for REALLY old time's sake. Match was a DUD, but I love watching the entrances just so I can mark out.
Triple H vs. Undertaker
Motorhead plays HHH's theme, and pretty much kicked Drowning Pool's ass. Undertaker gets a big-ass face pop, because it's his hometown. Some token brawling to start, with HHH breaking the replacement Spanish announce table. In the ring, HHH uses the high knee, and Taker mounts a comeback. Ropewalk is countered when HHH just tosses Undertaker off the top rope. Why does nobody do that? Better yet, why don't people just kick the ropes while he's on them? After some more brawling, HHH gets the sledgehammer, but the ref takes it away from him. The ref is bumped, and Nudertaker gets the Choke-The-Chicken-slam on HHH for two. Taker, frustrated, beats the crap out of the ref. Knowing how long the ref was going to be out, why didn't he just get hit with a sledgehammer or shot in the face instead? They brawl their way to the technical area, where HHH just beats the shit out of Undertaker with a chair. Taker recovers and chokeslams HHH off the tech tower, prompting a "Holy Shit!" chant. That looked pretty cool, despite HHH landing on a soft crash mat. Taker then hits an elbow off the tower onto the crash mat. They make their way back to the ring where the ref was STILL out. Taker grabs HHH's sledgehammer to get revenge for causing him to get eight staples in his head, but HHH kicks Taker in the sack to prevent that. After a bit, Taker reverses a HHH Tombstone attempt into his own. I really marked out for that the first time watching, considering it was rare to see the Tombstone back then. Taker tries the Last Ride, but HHH pounds his head in with the sledgehammer, and only gets two. Whoa. HHH pounds him in the corner, but Undertaker walks out, and hits the Last Ride for the three. Call me crazy, but I liked this match. Good brawl with a lot of close near-finishes. ***1/4
WWF Championship: The Rock (c) vs. Steve Austin
The Fink announces that the match is No DQ, shocking JR somewhat. Guess he was really looking forward to his BBQ Sauce Blizzard. Austin, of course, gets the biggest face pop of the night, and Rock gets a big heel reaction. Austin attacks to start, and he dominates. They block each others' finishers, including a Rock Stunner. That was a nice sequence. They brawl into the crowd for a bit, and go back into the ring. Austin gets a superplex, but Rock comes back with a LAAARRRIIIAAAATOOOOOO and an overhead belly-to-belly suplex. They brawl outside again, where Rock does a conservative blade after being hit with the ring bell. Austin pounds on him for a while, focusing on the cut for a bit. Austin stomps the shit out of Rock, but Rock comes back with another LAAAARRRIIIAAATOOOOOO, and the crowd boos like nuts. Rock introduces Austin into the exposed turnbuckle, and gets revenge by whacking him with the ringbell. Austin does a significantly better bladejob here. Rock starts to work on the neck. Good idea. Back outside, where Rock takes the best slingshot-to-post bump ever, where his head just DRILLS the post. Rock gets up, but walks into a monitor to the head. It only gets two in the ring. Rock gets the Crapshooter, but Austin escapes and shows Rock how to do a real Sharpshooter, even pulling at the knee to add more pressure and sitting right down on Rock's back. Rock powers out, but Austin works on the knee. Austin gets another Sharpshooter, but Rock gets to the ropes. MILLION DOLLAR DREAM~ is applied by Austin. Rock does the Bret counter, but Austin, who now knows how to counter the counter, escapes at two. That was some nifty psychology there. Rock hits his own Stunner for two. I'm always a sucker for wrestlers stealing each others' finishers. Vince comes out to big heel heat. Austin gets the spinebuster for two. Rock gets his own pinebuster and, groggily, hits the People's Elbow, but Vince saves Austin. Rock gives chase to Vince on the outside, but walks right into Austin's version of the Rock Bottom (WOOOOO!) for two. Ref gets bumped, and Austin shocks JR by asking Vince to come in and chair Rock. Rock blocks an Austin chair attempt with the Rock Bottom and takes out Vince. Rock walks into a Stunner, as Rock does his SWANK~ Stunner overbump. I love that. That only gets two. Austin hits Rock with the chair, and THAT only gets two. Finally, Austin just pounds the shit out of Rock non-stop with the chair, as JR can't even speak coherently because of what was happening with Austin. That gets Austin the title to a MASSIVE face pop. Vince and Austin do the infamous handshake, as JR screams that "Austin has sold his soul to Satan himself!". Alec is really Vince McMahon? No wonder he maintains that the screwjob was a work. Anyways, I can't really see the logic of making your number one babyface heel, especially when your number two babyface was leaving for a while. Other than that, the match was just awesome, an easy ***** if it had a better finish. The brawling was mega-intense, and the story was well told, as Austin was getting so desperate to win that he even got the help of his worst rival. There was also some decent psychology and tremendous work here. Best Wrestlemania main-event ever. ****3/4
DVD Extras
The DVD box says that there were about three hours of extras on there, but I'd say that there's only about an hour at the most. They have the Heat match, Axxess stuff, highlight packages for the matches, legends picking Gimmick Battle Royal winners, a funny Bushwhackers interview, Undertaker and HHH brawling at Axxess, Superstars at Ft. Hood, and the aftermath on Raw. Pretty weak set of extras given what they could have had.
Verdict: This has got to be the billionth time I've seen this show, and it STILL holds up very well. The very best PPV I've ever seen, as the good is very plentiful, and the bad is either energetic or too short to offend. It's got something for everyone: The main event and Benoit-Angle for the workrate elitists, TLC for the highspot freaks, the McMahon match for the Sports Entertainment crowd, and the Gimmick Battle Royal for the longtime fans. Highest recommendation ever.
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