Wrestlemania XIII

Headbangers vs. New Blackjacks vs. Doug Furnas/Philip LaFon vs. Godwinns
The New Blackjacks. Another failed reprisal of a classic tag team, like the New Midnight Express, the New Rockers, and the New Foundation. Why not repackage Nathan Jones, and team him up with Luke to form the New Bushwhackers? That would draw MILLIONS! With my little rambling on segment there, it should indicate how interesting the match is. I liked when Furnas, LaFon, or the Headbangers were in there, and not against the Blackjacks or Godwinns. So they get rid of two teams at once, BJs by DQ, and Furnas/LaFon by some lameass countout. Good idea, getting rid of the two best workers in the match to leave the Headbangers and the Godwinns to suck, and boy, did they ever. I liked the Headbangers, but the Godwinns were workrate vacuums back then. At least the Bangers won, though the match sucked. *

Rocky Maivia vs. The Sultan
I think it was supposed to be Marc Mero against Rocky Maivia here, but his knee injury gave us this crappy match. Man, OH MAN, is this match not afraid to suck 32 different variations of ass and like it. Seriously, I fell asleep about five different times while watching this resthold slopfest. I just gave up and took a nap, then watched it later. Rocky had potential, but he was just rushed right into the IC title situation, and the crowd was downright hostile. Rock wins with a rollup, because Sultan Fatu was too damn fat too lift for the SHOULDERBREAKER OF MILD DISCOMFORT AND TEMPORARY MEMORY LOSS. Do not watch this match while operating heavy machinery. -**1/4 Thankfully, they would have a way better match at Survivor Series 2000.

Goldust vs. Hunter Hearst-Helmsley
What happened? Did Curtis Hughes lose 200 pounds, turn white, and grow apples on his chest? Oh, wait. That's Chyna. My mistake. This is the big blowoff to the feud that helped to introduce Chyna. The "blow" part of this match is appropos, because it did blow, except for some nice bumping by Goldust. HHH here was not very good, with very little in terms of heat and moveset. Crowd is more dead than a Katie Vick/Al Wilson wedding, with Lou Thesz as the priest. HHH wins with a Pedigree. Big deal. HHH would only get better, though. 3/4*

Owen Hart/British Bulldog vs. Vader/Mankind
Some fairly cool spots, like the Decapitation off the apron to the outside, but nothing very memorable here, though it wasn't bad at all. Owen and Bulldog were the defacto babyfaces here, with the crowd mostly chanting for Owen. Chicago knew quality. Another crappy finish, with a double countout. This is supposed to be Wrestlemania. Make the Goddman finishes clean! Vader and Mankind were supposed to get the belts, but Bret, gasp, used backstage power to request that Owen and Bulldog keep the belts to start up the fed-saving Hart Foundation storyline. **1/4

Bret Hart vs. Stone Cold Steve Austin
What more can I really say? This match, upon a second viewing, kicked MAJOR ass, and has made it into my ten favorite match list. The brawling is awesome, as is the psychology and technique. Austin bleeds like an absolute ****ing pig here, drawing 0.5 Muta easy. Throughout the match, you can really feel the crowd change allegiances. Crowd is also nuts, like a normal Chicago crowd would be. Some of the commentary by Vince just creeped me out, though.

Jerry: "Wouldn't have it been something, if Bret Hart had to submit to the Sharpshooter?" Vince: "Hey, it could happen"

Seriously. I had to rewind to make sure I heard that right. The match itself is one of the best matches ever, and it can only get this. ***** Will it save the whole show? TUNE INTO NITRO TO FIND...oh, wait.

Ahmed Johnson/LOD vs. Nation of Domination
Ahhh... a good old garbage match to follow up on the awesomeness before it. This is good match placement. The camera misses a lot of spots, so a lot of replays were used. That's my only major gripe, other than Animal's "thing" that I could laughably refer to as a piledriver on Faarooq. That's why you don't see a whole lot of piledrivers anymore. The roster watched this match, and became ashamed to even be associated with that move anymore. Ahmed was on fire here, hitting a SWANK~ somersault plancha over the railing. If he didn't injure himself and so many other wrestlers, he would have been a good main-eventer, because he was really over. Match kinda drags at the end, but it's entertaining crap. ***

Undertaker vs. Sid
Shawn Michaels, crippling-ly fake knee injury and all, makes me nauseous by doing commentary. I'm a huge Michaels mark, but this fake injury angle to get out of jobbing to Bret is sickening. Bret comes out and bitches Shawn out for faking the knee injury to dodge him, drawing a huge markout from me, because he spoke the truth. He then bitches out UT and Sid, getting powerbombed in the process, to a nice pop. Undertaker is wearing his classic attire that he wore when he first came to WWE. In a night of restholds, Sid gets in a good four or five, slowing an already non-fast paced match to a complete snail crawl. My mind is almost numb just thinking about it. UT puts up a decent performance here, though. Nothing really of note until Bret distracts Sid, and UT tombstones him to mercifully end this shitty PPV. One of the worst Wrestlemania main events of all time, in both quality and significance. 3/4*

Verdict: Bret vs. Austin couldn't really save this junk heap of a PPV. If you haven't seen it, rent this, watch that one match, and the streetfight, and stop the tape, and take it back. Or you can find Austin vs. Bret in " 'Cause Stone Cold Said So", and you can find that video cheap somewhere. Otherwise, stay away. Thumbs way down for the second worst WM ever, follwing IX.

Back to homepage